*magically pulls a joint out behind my lil nephew’s ear* Nephew’s mom: will you stop doing that

with this throwing star, i thee wed

i came. i saw. the cops were called

remember when we thought we were in trouble bc our president would forget shit

i be thinking people who put “not 420 friendly” in their dating profiles be wanting to scrap

even wild whores couldn’t drag me away…wait no, that can’t be right

a weed dealer putting free edibles in my order is a sign of respect in my culture

in a toxic relationship with the consequences of my actions

*deep announcer voice* from the makers of exploding cars, we bring you…exploding flying cars

spending money you don’t have is the most American thing you can do

gentle reminders are for pussies. smack me

imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they pronounce the L in salmon