@MatCro
favstar.fm/users/MatCro
Joined July 2010
  • Tweets49.4K
  • Following586
  • Followers10.6K
884Media
Mat retweeted
Mat@MatCro1 Feb 2017
COP: Can you describe your attacker? ME: No COP: Didn't you see him? ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
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OCCUPIED WORLD PREMIERE: WARNING! Sensitive Content, Viewer Discretion is Advised xitter.cf/i/broadcasts/1djxXrOAm…
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Stew Peters

OCCUPIED WORLD PREMIERE: WARNING! Sensitive Content, Viewer Discretion is Advised

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Visiting Your Grown Kids
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everyone on their third hour of watching the #OpeningCeremony
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If you're worried about people remembering every embarrassing thing you did, think about it. Can you remember other people's embarrassing moments? No. That's because you're the only one who's ever done something embarrassing. What the fuck is wrong with you lmao
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"My work here is done" - Yoda, pointing at his desk.
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Wife: Sarah's husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you'd do that! Me: uh ok [next day] Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don't get it either
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Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I'm not sure if the shame alternates or if it's still me.
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When’s Christmas?
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Definitely the future of television I had in mind was me having to google every movie I want to watch to see if it’s currently in one of its one-month windows on any of the seven streaming services I pay for. This is way easier than buying a DVD. I love it.
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You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
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me changing the font on my to do list
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With apologies to the Fresh Prince, here’s “The Bel Air Man”
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Mat retweeted
Mat@MatCro13 May 2016
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-WAIT!, stop. i declare i’ve won the egg and spoon race. - but we’re still mid-race? - also, i’m pretty sure your egg is illegal and corrupt. - what the f**k are you talking about...?
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Mat retweeted
Mat@MatCro23 Aug 2016
[presentation] GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that's our plan for the next year. Any questions? ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
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Several weeks of training for 19 seconds of video
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HIPPO: These floors are lovely. What are they made of? ME: Marble HIPPO: *stomach growls* I'm sorry for what's about to happen
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Scientists have proved Bears cannot smell BBQ sauce. "So it's safe to leave meat marinating outside" commented one huge, hairy scientist.
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[DEATH ROW] WARDEN: Last meal? CON: Just a glass of lemonade please *Drinks lemonade/Burps* WARDEN: Pardon [CON WALKS FREE] W: SHIT
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