@MatCro
favstar.fm/users/MatCro
Joined July 2010
  • Tweets49.4K
  • Following585
  • Followers10.6K
884Media
Replying to @MatCro
I've been compiling another list of very silly tweets so here they are: Very Silly Tweets Vol 2 xitter.cf/MatCro/timelines/72823…
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CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
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SWINOTAUR. THE LAST ONE SHOULD HAVE BEEN SWINOTAUR.
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Mat retweeted
Mat@MatCro1 Feb 2017
COP: Can you describe your attacker? ME: No COP: Didn't you see him? ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
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ME: I've been told I'm going to need a CT scan. DAVE: Have you got a date for it? ME: No, I'll probably go on my own.
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OCCUPIED WORLD PREMIERE: WARNING! Sensitive Content, Viewer Discretion is Advised xitter.cf/i/broadcasts/1djxXrOAm…
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Stew Peters

OCCUPIED WORLD PREMIERE: WARNING! Sensitive Content, Viewer Discretion is Advised

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Visiting Your Grown Kids
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everyone on their third hour of watching the #OpeningCeremony
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If you're worried about people remembering every embarrassing thing you did, think about it. Can you remember other people's embarrassing moments? No. That's because you're the only one who's ever done something embarrassing. What the fuck is wrong with you lmao
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"My work here is done" - Yoda, pointing at his desk.
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Wife: Sarah's husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you'd do that! Me: uh ok [next day] Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don't get it either
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Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I'm not sure if the shame alternates or if it's still me.
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GF: Why do you always include me in your Strava titles when we go for a run? ME: (knowing it's to explain the slow pace to my mates) I want people to know how in love we are.
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A zillion hours of quality streaming at my fingertips and all I want to watch is a local historian talking about snickets and a guy from Uttoxeter going on rollercoasters.
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What if a basin knocked on your door, asking to spend 60 seconds in your house? Just let that sink in for a minute.
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What's a word or phrase that as soon as you heard it articulated something you were aware of but didn't have a name for? I'll start with mood hoover and bin juice.
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Bonus question. A mood hoover is someone who can suck all the joy out of a room if they're not feeling it. See also: vibe assassin. When I've said this before, others have had loads of names for it. What's yours?
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When’s Christmas?
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Definitely the future of television I had in mind was me having to google every movie I want to watch to see if it’s currently in one of its one-month windows on any of the seven streaming services I pay for. This is way easier than buying a DVD. I love it.
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You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
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Better dust this one off, I guess. Hi everyone. 👋
Mat@MatCro29 Oct 2016
It's like the real meaning of Hallowe'en has been lost. Most people don't even know that Jesus fought a pumpkin, let alone why.
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