My monowheel has a punt gun. All my best: https://xitter.cf/t.co/xNRTzLoR2a
Joined June 2010
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BANK LOAN OFFICER: And this loan is for home improvements? Specifically... let me see... "an awesome secret passage behind the bookcase"?
ME, dressed as Colonel Mustard: That is correct.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less... *checking the notes on my hand*... crabs.
DAD: For the last time, DON'T TOUCH the thermostat!
SATAN Jr: Okay, okay! Jeez...
DAD: And watch your mouth!!
They replaced the word "prune" with "dried plums" to make them sound more palatable, so I'm replacing "diarrhea" with "the runs" to make myself sound more athletic.
Scott Sevena retweeted
[dark alley behind a bar, 2am]
me: i'm gonna open up a can of whoop-ass on you
also me: *struggles in vain to get the can open*
guy i'm about to fight: you're doing it all wrong
me: i will be with you 𝘪𝘯 𝘢 𝘮𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵
Scott Sevena retweeted
As another honk echoed in the hallway, Carl began to regret going to Dr. Seuss for his prosthetic leg.
Scott Sevena retweeted
If you enter the procrastination contest before the deadline you lose automatically
ME, holding my invention aloft:
Ladies and gentlemen, in a few moments, I will demonstrate the revolutionary time-traveling boomeraOOOF!!!
SCARECROW: Make it stop! My brain! The knowledge! It's too much!! Did you know wet straw can spontaneously combust? I can die by water OR fire!
TINMAN: Gee, tha--
SCARECROW: AND TIN DOESN'T RUST!
TINMAN, sticking fingers where ears would be: 🎶If I only had a heart!🎶 LaLaLa!
ME: ...so while "The Rescue Rangers" were, in practice, a private detective agency, it was "The Rescuers" who more closely stuck to the mandate of "rescuing" per se, through an international network of...
MY LAW PROFESSOR: Can I see you after class again today?
