@ericsshadow

I do the best tweets

 Bux/Mont
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Joined December 2012
  • Tweets23.6K
  • Following596
  • Followers29K
856Media
People say I'm a terrible father, but when my four year old broke his collar bone, who's the guy that dropped him off at the emergency room?
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eEric retweeted
Ivsy@Ivsy014 Mar 2023
I’ve had my time and I’m not really worried if I’ll have it again.
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WOMAN: some people shouldn't have children ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
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I don't think Alexander Graham Bell intended for us to watch porn over the telephone.
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NASA: you've been selected to spend a year on the space station ME: wow that's awesome NASA: you and your entire family! ME: oh ok no thanks
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30 days has September April June and November All the rest have 31 Except January which has 4,000
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People say I'm a terrible father, but when my four year old broke his collar bone, who's the guy that dropped him off at the emergency room?
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Parenthood: When you make enough money to live an exciting, comfortable, stress free life, but decide to have kids instead.
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eEric retweeted
jo@whatsJo4 Oct 2019
date: can you take off your work gloves Jim Henson: they have names
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Would anyone like to see 52,000 photos of my first child or the one poorly lit, blurry pic of my second?
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Looking at MLB trade deadline rumors and I’m worried the Phillies are going to trade the Phanatic.
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My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
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ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit SON: it’s called homework
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Make sure you check in with a groundhog about the forecast today. Ask an opossum about your horoscope. Armadillo has some thoughts on your investment portfolio. This Wombat is trying to reach you about your car's extended warranty
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eEric retweeted
brent@murrman52 Feb 2023
[a little too loudly when they pull punxsutawney phil out of his box] damn he thick
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If your name is Linda, you're legally allowed to walk into any elementary school and start working.
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I think my local Chinese food place may be trying to kill me
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if smashing a bank window is violence then what do you call destroying 300 acres of forest….??!
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Me: *at hospital on my deathbed* My kids: hey mom, there’s a soda machine here do you have any money?
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Instacart shopper: I have replaced all 127 items with items that are 3x more expensive. Approve or starve?
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