@ericsshadow

I do the best tweets

 Bux/Mont
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Joined December 2012
  • Tweets23.6K
  • Following596
  • Followers29K
856Media
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
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AI stole my job but quit on Friday because it didn’t pay enough.
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People say I'm a terrible father, but when my four year old broke his collar bone, who's the guy that dropped him off at the emergency room?
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eEric retweeted
Ivsy@Ivsy014 Mar 2023
I’ve had my time and I’m not really worried if I’ll have it again.
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WOMAN: some people shouldn't have children ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
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I don't think Alexander Graham Bell intended for us to watch porn over the telephone.
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My wife wants to join a cross training gym but she’s not sure if it’ll be too much for her so I suggested she start off slowly by turning off all the lights before she goes to bed.
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Seems like just yesterday I was reading instructions on how to open a box of wine and now I can open it with one hand in the car.
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NASA: you've been selected to spend a year on the space station ME: wow that's awesome NASA: you and your entire family! ME: oh ok no thanks
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30 days has September April June and November All the rest have 31 Except January which has 4,000
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People say I'm a terrible father, but when my four year old broke his collar bone, who's the guy that dropped him off at the emergency room?
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Parenthood: When you make enough money to live an exciting, comfortable, stress free life, but decide to have kids instead.
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Instead of paying for your child’s college education, why not give them $300,000 to buy a home.
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eEric retweeted
jo@whatsJo4 Oct 2019
date: can you take off your work gloves Jim Henson: they have names
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Would anyone like to see 52,000 photos of my first child or the one poorly lit, blurry pic of my second?
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Looking at MLB trade deadline rumors and I’m worried the Phillies are going to trade the Phanatic.
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My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
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8am: egg white omelette (no cheese) 12pm: one apple, one banana, one yogurt 6pm: chicken Caesar salad (light dressing) 8pm: small frozen yogurt 830pm: a few hard pretzels 845pm: two Oreos 850pm: four Oreos 853pm: eight Oreos 9pm: grilled cheese 930pm: Pizza Hut
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ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit SON: it’s called homework
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