@dancingchimera

I'm not inclined to resign to maturity. Here is my draft folder: https://xitter.cf/t.co/jv2NvDEYQ0)

 (citation needed)
Joined September 2016
  • Tweets19.4K
  • Following886
  • Followers2.6K
818Media
Me: I'll just tuck this away so I don't lose it. Narrator: she would never find it again.
16
210
6
562
Is it "Dear mouth breathers" or "Dear mouthbreathers"? Want to get this staff email off on the right foot.
9
44
107
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
39
139
6
848
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, the server was grating fresh Parmesan on my pasta.
12
117
1
375
alyssaland retweeted
Adam@BrosefWtheMosef26 Jan 2022
Feel. He’s so soft.
6
132
1
755
Oh, you're a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
235
345
40
768
Objects in my mirror are more strikingly handsome than they appear 😏
3
5
Tested positive for Wordle
2
9
I was told twitter had donuts?
8
28
1
68
My mom's kitchen floor was so clean you could eat off it. You can eat off mine too. There's all kinds of stuff down there.
15
146
3
850
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight. My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
10
26
alyssaland retweeted
Patches@mostly_cheese2 Mar 2022
ME: can I borrow some cash? FRIEND: money’s kinda tight ME: yeah it is, money’s fucken dope, can I borrow some?
6
103
1
974
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
1
12
24
Maybe if I stand still long enough time will forget about me.
8
18
My wife got mud on a very expensive bag but it’s Hermès and she can clean it up
2
5
30
alyssaland retweeted
MumInBits@MumInBits1 Mar 2022
5: *sobs* Me: what’s up sweetie 5: I’m so worried Me: what about 5: what if one day *sniff* we wake up *sniff* and there’s no cake in the world *wails* Me: *wails*
27
61
5
417
Why do girls named Samantha go by Sam when AntMan was right there all along
6
81
2
231
Legit pulled a muscle in my butt tryna get off the couch. Send help.
11
21
alyssaland retweeted
Laura@PourMeOne_more28 Feb 2022
I really only keep my Costco membership for ibuprofen
7
15
The power is still on in most of Ukraine and I hope Greg Abbott is takin notes.
208
2,811
272
16,513
I have a seefood disorder. If I see food, I eat it.
1
5
12
Load more