@GeneralGrevious

~Satire fearless & searching moral inventory. Tweets appearing in FORTUNE magazine

 Twitter god
Joined August 2008
  • Tweets48.2K
  • Following842
  • Followers5.5K
1.1KMedia
I lost a lot of friends by getting too fucked up at parties and waiting on the toilet for someone to wipe me
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Say "excrement" instead of "excellent". Nobody will notice because people really don't listen for shit.
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Henry 3000
@Henry_300010 Jan 2019
My statistician friend insists I'm having a median life crisis.
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TN Cherry@OhHell_Cherry31 Dec 2018
I'm gonna tweet something life changing when I get home from work. Right now I'm eating a lunchable.
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being buried alive is the ultimate weighted blanket
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MisoSilly@SeiYoung835 Jan 2019
Drank so much wine the fruit flies are hovering near my open mouth.
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Henry 3000
@Henry_30005 Jan 2019
The main impediment to even the staunchest of libertarians becoming a proponent of a social welfare system is three missed paycheques.
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Coach SA@CoachSA_CT5 Jan 2019
Humans are beautiful. People are fucked up.
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MisoSilly@SeiYoung835 Jan 2019
Bio: I auction off my best dick pics
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WryBry@WryBry5 Jan 2019
I'm not here to judge, but I've never let that stop me.
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c🏳️‍🌈@rn_er_c5 Jan 2019
My kid is sobbing because her pancakes “aren’t spicy enough” and aside from being completely confused, I honestly have no idea how to remedy this.
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Under moob sweat is such a turn on, seeing it on that sexy grey old stained t-shirt
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I would never subject anyone else to it, but I like the smell of my own body odour. Please don't @ me if you are going to say something grosser than I just did.
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Rock@TheMichaelRock5 Jan 2019
Before marriage I didn’t know there was a wrong way to put cereal back in the pantry.
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SaltyGirl@saltssaltgirl21 Nov 2018
I’m always thankful when I meet someone who is more awkward than me (more awkward than I) (awkwarder) *someone who understands my struggle
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Got up, took a shower, and now I need 400 cheeseburgers. 🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍟🍔🍔🍟🍟🍟🍟🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🌭🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍕🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🍔🧀
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*Leaving the bar with a hot girl* Girl: I'm on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don't mind. Me: Not a problem. I'm on my moped, I'll follow you.
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Being a slut, and being an intelligent person, are not mutually exclusive concepts. If you can't understand that, then you are in no position to judge the intelligence of others.
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BadMummy@WineMummy5 Jan 2019
He wanted a taco so I showed him my beaver instead.
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MisoSilly@SeiYoung835 Jan 2019
Simply put: Fuck.
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