@tsm560

no clue https://xitter.cf/t.co/T50cE8IuNU

Joined February 2009
  • Tweets494K
  • Following20.5K
  • Followers48.8K
1.5KMedia
The world is so fucked up I come to twitter to see the good in people
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Out of all the types of people who MUST be stopped, the stranger who sits beside you when there’s tons of open chairs is the most baffling.
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Children in the Eighties lived in fear that Nancy Reagan would get them if they misbehaved.
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No, I can’t give you a ride to the airport, but I can help you download the Lyft app because we’re adults now.
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Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
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YOU PEOPLE HAVE STOOD IN MY WAY LONG ENOUGH I'M JOINING THE BULL RIDING CIRCUIT
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I just woke up and opened Twitter and now im already mad
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My frequently used gif section makes me happy
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I'm fluent in sigh language
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I'll to, too, your, you're, there, their, and they're you under the table
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Sometimes I think I just need a sparkly baton
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I love people that get offended on Twitter. They sort of make it all worth it.
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Last night I had a dream that I was drinking a beer, and now I'm drinking a beer. Fuckin weird, man.
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I will be closely monitoring your ass to ensure you don't fart in my Jeep.
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After world war II, Tony and I came back and just started banging bitches.
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I’m bad at boundaries. I love who I love. Sometimes it’s just from a little further over there.
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I come from a long line of people who care. I raise my glass ..
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Can't, taking notes on how sane people act and feel.
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Some days are better than others. This isn't one of them.
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