Amaike

I am a survivor of child sexual abuse (CSA) When my ways of surviving were noticed by others, I found myself in the mental health system. A part of me felt relief - for surely now I would get the help I needed? This didn’t happen. I was labelled as mentally ill. I was put on a mixed ward. I was medicated, and on a few occasions, when I couldn't hide my panic and distress, I was chemically restrained. I was forcibly injected with Haloperidol - a strong anti-psychotic drug. When I regained consciousness, I saw a male patient looking through the (open) door of my room. I was lying half-naked, on my bed. Haloperidol was seemingly the most effective way of sedating a highly triggered and distressed survivor, experiencing flashbacks to abuse. It was easier for staff to sedate me than it was for them to take the time to sit with me. To ask me why I was so distressed. To show a little professional curiosity and consider the underlying cause of my pain. Now I can say the words. These were the underlying causes: Child Sexual Abuse. Rape. Severe emotional abuse at the hands of a family member. The burden of carrying his secrets to protect the ones I loved. Fear of the abuser. Fear of speaking out. Shame. Eventually I did disclose. The response was "I’m sorry to hear this but let’s see what we can do about this mental illness." The ‘help’ received from the MH system caused more harm than I could ever have imagined. Having no choice but to 'comply' was a mirror to the abuse I had experienced as a child. The medication received over the years in this system affected my memory. I have only fleeting memories of my two older children's lives during my time in hospital. I don't remember my daughter's tenth birthday but I remember her crying and begging me to come home as I scrabbled to find more coins for the phone. (My own had been taken by staff). I don't remember my son's first day in his new school. There is just a blank. Their memories of their childhood include visiting a heavily sedated mother in a hospital I should never have been in, because I wasn’t unwell. I was traumatised by #CSA My ‘symptoms’ of mental ‘illness’ were normal reactions to significant and prolonged trauma. My therapist, Patricia Walsh, told me, years later. ‘I would be more concerned if you weren’t reacting in this way’. She was the first person to say ‘you’re normal’. When I believed I was normal, I believed there was a way out of this darkness. ‘Reach out’ say the mental health campaigns… ‘it’s ok to not be ok’ What they don’t say is what might happen if you do reach out. What can happen to you when you say 'I'm not ok. Please help me.' Pat and I are co-authors of The Flying Child - A Cautionary Fairytale for Adults - Finding a Purposeful Life After Child Sexual Abuse Through Compassionate and Creative Therapy. It is a book that reimagines the societal response to child sexual abuse. #TheFlyingChildStory #CSA