Wilfredo (@smells_fine) header
Wilfredo (@smells_fine) profile picture

Wilfredo

@smells_fine

If you came for a haircut, go somewhere else. I have too much friggen hair to cut.

favstar.fm/users/smells_fine
Joined June 2016
  • Tweets458
  • Following191
  • Followers236
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Photo by Wilfredo (@smells_fine)Photo by Wilfredo (@smells_fine)Photo by Wilfredo (@smells_fine)Photo by Wilfredo (@smells_fine)Photo by Wilfredo (@smells_fine)Photo by Wilfredo (@smells_fine)Photo by Wilfredo (@smells_fine)Photo by Wilfredo (@smells_fine)Photo by Wilfredo (@smells_fine)Photo by Wilfredo (@smells_fine)
Me: please grab some updog on the way home ExWife: for the last time the kids and I are never coming back Me: not much what's up with you?
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Wilfredo retweeted
Floyd (@dafloydsta) profile picture
Floyd@dafloydsta6 Jul 2017
[inventing the boomerang] OH SHIT, IT'S BACK
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Wilfredo retweeted
mo (@chuuew) profile picture
mo@chuuew19 May 2017
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants? ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
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Me: I think I have a con cushion Doctor: you mean a concussion? Couch Cushion: for the last time I'm innocent
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Coworker: crazy weather we're having Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
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[Jesus hold up bread] This is my body [Jesus holds up wine] This is my blood [Jesus holds up egg] Egg.
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[God creating lizards] God: How about a snake with arms and legs? Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
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Mom: you can't eat nothing but eggs. Try something else for breakfast Me: momlette me live my life
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Me: wow this new bread is good Friend: yeah and it's really cheap, like a pound per nickel Me: *mouth full* wow! A poum-per-nickel!
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Me: If my first son is a buoy, I will name him Bob. Haha. Get it? Empty Seat Across From Me: please take me home
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[Budapest airport] IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary? ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
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BRITISH DIPLOMAT: why do you want the Elgin Marbles back so much? HIPPO DISGUISED AS A GREEK DIPLOMAT: [tummy rumbling] uhh they're historic
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Wilfredo retweeted
steven (@Ochayethewu) profile picture
steven@Ochayethewu1 Dec 2016
*baby detective draws first chalk outline* Detective: Genius idea. *baby detective sucks on female victims breast* Detective: Nooooo.
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I have many names but the one you may NOT call me is Rocket Laser Destroyer. Only my mom can call me that. But anyway I'm 27 why do you ask?
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Wilfredo retweeted
marf (@MarfSalvador) profile picture
marf@MarfSalvador3 Feb 2017
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee? Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don't look anything like a cup of coffee
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[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini] HER: No way this thing does 150. ME: Only one way to find out... [pulls over & checks wikipedia]
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Me: *trying to impress my British date* I like the coloouuouuuor of your eyes.
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WIFE: [waves] ME: [waves back] WIFE: ME: WIFE: [waves] ME: [waves back] WIFE: ME: WIFE: [taking headphones off my head] where are the kids?
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[veterinarian's office] Me: why is my cow's milk brown and solid? Vet: that's bullshit Me: yeah I know, all I want is some good milk
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