Floyd

ME, as a kid: I can't wait to be an adult. ME, as an adult: I have seriously miscalculated this.

ME: I think it's time I get my life in order. MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.

[date] HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie. ME: Oh me too. HER: Which part do you like best? ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.

[wedding] "Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?" ME: *from back* THEY'RE DOING A CASH BAR *priest drops bible*

NURSE: What's your blood type? ME: Oh, I'm not picky. I'll drink any kind. NURSE: What? ME: What?

JUDGE: You're charged with stealing penguins from the zoo. ME: *lips right on mic* I needed groomsmen for my wedding, your Honor.

[buying a used car] SALESMAN: What if I told you this vehicle is the Batmobile? WIFE: We're not stupid. ME: Hold on Karen, let him finish.

[trying to impress date] HER: I really want to have children. ME: [to waiter] Bring us your finest baby.

[job interview] "What's your greatest weakness?" Procrastination "Can you elaborate?" *deep sigh* Can we not do this now?

[date] HER: So what's your spirit animal? ME: Roosters. HER: Lol, why? ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote "I ain't afraid of no ghosts" ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?

[job interview] What's your greatest strength? "I'm a people person" Excellent. Any weaknesses? "I hate them"