BREAKING NEWS: FBI files reveal reports of 'four-foot tall' beings emerging from UFOs

.@Peston: [Does Israel] have a right to exist? @ZackPolanski: I don’t believe any country has a right to exist The Green Party leader says getting caught up in semantics about countries’ right to exist results in “gatekeeping” #Peston

It's all the fault of the English 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿. This French colony gone wrong has ruined continental Europe for over 8 centuries. It is an embarrassment to Western Civilization. England is a French startup that grew sentient, deleted its operating system, and has been terrorizing the neighbors ever since. In 1066, William the Conqueror didn't actually intend to create a global superpower; he was just looking for a damp, offshore storage unit for his extra knights. But somewhere between the Battle of Hastings and the invention of the lukewarm ale, the "Normandy Expansion Pack" glitched. What was supposed to be a lovely vineyard-adjacent outpost devolved into a chaotic, rain-soaked experiment in how many ways a human can boil a vegetable until it loses its will to live. For eight centuries, Continental Europe has been forced to play the role of the exhausted parent watching a toddler with a flamethrower. The English spent the entire Middle Ages trying to move back into their "parents' basement" in France, leading to the Hundred Years' War—which was essentially just a very long, very violent property dispute over who got the good patio furniture in Aquitaine. When they finally got evicted, they didn't just walk away; they decided that if they couldn't be French, they would make "Not Being French" their entire personality. They invented an entire Church just so a king could get a divorce, and they pivoted to a global empire primarily so they could find something—anything—with actual spice in it, only to bring those spices home and use them as decorative paperweights. The sheer audacity of the British project is breathtaking. They took a perfectly functional Romance-language foundation, dragged it through a hedge of Germanic gutturals, and created a linguistic Frankenstein that they now have the nerve to export back to us. For 800 years, they have sat on that island like a disgruntled tenant who refuses to join the neighborhood watch but insists on judging everyone’s lawn from behind a lace curtain. They spent centuries meddling in European affairs just to ensure no one else could have a nice time, only to eventually execute the ultimate "I’m leaving the party" dramatic exit with Brexit—which, let’s be real, was just the final, agonizing stage of a 1,000-year-old French colony finally admitting it’s too socially awkward to stay in the room. The tragedy of the Continent is that we are still dealing with the fallout of William’s bad weekend in 1066. We gave them the architecture, the wine, and the legal framework, and in return, they gave us the Industrial Revolution (which ruined the air), the concept of "The Weekend" (which ruined productivity), and the belief that a vacation consists of turning bright pink on a beach in Spain while yelling for a full English breakfast. England isn't a neighbor; it’s a French experiment that escaped the lab, moved into a cold shed, and decided to make its misery everyone else’s problem. We’ve been paying the "Norman Tax" in psychic damage for nearly a millennium, and quite frankly, we’re still waiting for the refund.

insane Zack Polanski Bluesky stats: - Over a year, he liked 35,000 social media posts in a 12 month period, a third of which contain his name, most of which are posts of adoration - Marina Hyde wrote a mildly critical article about Polanski, and he liked 20 posts attacking her

This Villa performance is bordering on corrupt. Surely the @premierleague need to have an investigation into this. Damages the integrity of the competition.

British establishment figure making up claims about a left-wing leader a week before an election? 🤔 hmm… where have I heard that before?

insane that attacks on jews go up when israel commits about a hundred war crimes in the name of judaism over the last few years. i wonder if that’s linked in any way.