Fresh Lettuce (@newLettuce) header
Fresh Lettuce (@newLettuce) profile picture

Fresh Lettuce

@newLettuce

Just hangin in there. Tweets: https://xitter.cf/t.co/FJ3Leo3fto

 Crisper drawer
Joined October 2017
  • Tweets11.4K
  • Following859
  • Followers4.9K
307Media
Photo by Fresh Lettuce (@newLettuce)Photo by Fresh Lettuce (@newLettuce)Photo by Fresh Lettuce (@newLettuce)Photo by Fresh Lettuce (@newLettuce)Photo by Fresh Lettuce (@newLettuce)Photo by Fresh Lettuce (@newLettuce)Photo by Fresh Lettuce (@newLettuce)Photo by Fresh Lettuce (@newLettuce)Photo by Fresh Lettuce (@newLettuce)
Enjoying my new life in the off world colonies
Image from Fresh Lettuce (@newLettuce)
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Patches (@mostly_cheese) profile picture
Patches@mostly_cheese29 Aug 2019
Doctor: Your wife has a sexually transmitted parasite that steals calcium from her bones, increases her risk of death from a stroke, and causes hemorrhoids, bleeding gums and constipation Husband: OMG Doctor: Congratulations, it’s a boy
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cory (@coolmathgame_) profile picture
cory@coolmathgame_25 Aug 2023
stick on the ground: he doesn’t see me. he doesn’t see me. please don’t see me my drunk ass: yooooo check out this stick
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Replying to @newLettuce @Shenanigans_luv
You know we’ve been talking about this tweet for YEARS but we really do love it. Jeff just asked our cat if he likes eggs.
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m@thew (@TweetPotato314) profile picture
m@thew@TweetPotato31420 Nov 2020
dr: this medicine should halt your hallucinations christopher robin: ok *swallows pills* eeyore: THanᵏ ʸᵒ
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bobby (@bobby) profile picture
bobby
@bobby21 Aug 2023
women need to accept the mystery
Image from bobby (@bobby)
bobby (@bobby) profile picturebobby
@bobby16 Oct 2022
wife just said "what's this stick in the trunk of your car?" it's my stick. what kind of question is that.
Image from bobby (@bobby)
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If you fart and burp at the same time, you take a screenshot of your insides.
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Daggerlad (@Daggerlad2) profile picture
Daggerlad@Daggerlad219 Jul 2023
Teacher: What’s 3x7 Me: 🙋 Teacher: Answer or bathroom? Me: bafroom… *retrieving my mom’s iPad from where I stashed it in the bathroom ceiling, FaceTiming my dad* Dad: I’ve got a good feeling about this one Me: free times seben Dad: Shit I don’t know that one either buddy
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Brooks Otterlake (@i_zzzzzz) profile picture
Brooks Otterlake@i_zzzzzz29 Mar 2020
Q is too high up in the alphabet. I respect it but it has no place between P and R. Should be at the end with the weirdo/goth letters
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next week we’re all gonna get CDs in the mail with 1,000 free tweet views on them
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I suppose you don't want me to eat more than 600 hotdogs per day either
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jon drake (@DrakeGatsby) profile picture
jon drake@DrakeGatsby29 Jun 2023
Took a Xanax before my Spirit flight to relax but just found it’s my turn to fly the plane. Wish me luck
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Seth Everman (@SethEverman) profile picture
Seth Everman@SethEverman28 Jun 2023
whenever i feel stressed and anxious i just sit down for about 20 minutes and breathe calmly. it does not help at all
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HER: NNNNNNNN ME: [gently rolling her onto her side] HER: ZZZZZZZZ
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boss (@boss_on_here) profile picture
boss@boss_on_here28 Jun 2023
Austin Powers: (realizing there is a hell and it's the toil of everyday life) wait a tick
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Homeowner's association is mad about the garden gnome smoking a cigarette in my front yard. Cmon, I can't control that dude
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Nowadays seems like people just say meth, but we used to call it crystal meth. I think that’s better. If I were in charge of meth I would really get back into the crystal angle and get moms into it. But to answer your question, I accept the position of godfather to young Phillip
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