@davedittell

7 time 5th grade speling champion

 Los Angeles
dave-dittell.com
Joined March 2009
  • Tweets47.1K
  • Following1.4K
  • Followers49.5K
1.5KMedia
"I don't understand moths," I say as I finish off another beer. "why do they gravitate to what kills them?" I stand. "anyone need another?"
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jeremy@jeremylovesyallAug 26
.@20thcenturyfox there's still time
Brooks Otterlake@i_zzzzzzAug 26
I would love to see this happen with more films. Studio realizes the marketing isn’t getting enough traction and announces the movie’s protagonist is actually Robin Hood
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Mike F@DeputyWarlock26 Dec 2024
just landed a sweet new gig. im helping dracula buy a house. and before you ask the answer is yes. i can eat as many bugs as i want
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Mike F@DeputyWarlock19 Jan 2023
Arnold Palmer: get me a refreshing drink Bartender: try this, its lemonade and iced tea Palmer: Mm..its good..I just invented it
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the garbage shit boy@davedittell25 Nov 2015
in 2005 me and my college buddies made the turkey carcass into a bong. happy Thanksgiving everybody
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slick@dlicj30 Oct 2019
getting the candy washed and ready to go for halloween night
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oral@FuckTyping31 Oct 2024
First kid to the door gets the biggest scoop
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Sera Koulabdara@SeraKoulabdara30 Nov 2023
YES
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Sridhar Ramesh@RadishHarmers21 Nov 2023
Huh. I could swear I remember South Africa being pro-apartheid. Mandela effect?
🎒Shailja #FreePalestine Patel
@shailjapatel21 Nov 2023
BREAKING: South Africa’s parliament votes (248 vs 91) to close the Israeli embassy in South Africa, send the Israeli ambassador home, and suspend diplomatic relations with Israel.
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Snorklhuahua@weinerdog4life3 May 2018
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff? shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
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chip malfunction@online_shawn6 Sep 2016
Florida c'mon man
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Me: if you could go back in time would you kill Hitler as a baby inventor of time travel, drunk: I’d kill Betty White right before she turned 100
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tara shoe@tarashoe27 Nov 2014
i got nothin against new england. love their hot fish yogurt
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Boots, 'with the fur'@afraidofwasps2 Oct 2021
(Leatherface bursts onto the screen wielding a chainsaw and wearing a mask made out of someone else's face) Me to the kid i'm babysitting: He represents Grief
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Snorklhuahua@weinerdog4life4 Mar 2015
There is a button on my microwave that says "super clown" and I do not ever push that button
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.@kimpossiblefact6 Mar 2021
me making $8/hr at a drive thru in 2011: god, this fucking sucks. i hope things are better 10 years from now. god: i can make one of the senators bisexual i guess
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deg@degg13 Oct 2013
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. "not great man ive got diarrhea" i told him
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added the dancing robot footage over Gil Scott-Heron's "Whitey On The Moon" just to see how it'd sync up
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