@dlicj
 Las Vegas, NV
Joined March 2013
  • Tweets26.2K
  • Following337
  • Followers29.8K
512Media
some guy just stumbled upon this sandwich in the woods
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Ah man I'd love to come to your barbecue but I'm not hungry that weekend
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cops are always like "can you tell me why you were going 90 in a 55?" and you have to explain to them that it literally gets you there way faster. just goes to show the guys who fail at math end up as cops.
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if i ever found out a mouse lived in my home, and he had a small archway in the wall, and he lived in there with small, real furniture, and he ventured out nightly to get one olive or a small wedge of cheese. i would stop at nothing to end his life. i would spare no expense
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Gigantic 2 mile long sandworm traversing vast stretch of desert: oh my god is that 4 dudes. This is just the satisfying meal I need for my big body
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saw a guy in his driveway underneath a rolling computer chair working on it like he was working on a car
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“Flesk”
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me to my 4 year old son: i just got off the phone with santa and he is so angry about what you did that i am genuinely afraid for your life. we need to put you in hiding because at this point i think he would even kill me to get to you.
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wanna see something cool, kid? *opens desk drawer revealing a tiny, bustling city* oops wrong drawer *opens other drawer and there's a gun*
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Homeless guy: Caleb Pitts you will die on August 5th 2023 when a stray bullet flies through your bedroom window and into your neck. Me [headphones in]: sorry brotha nothin on me
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floy
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if you live in floy please vote brog
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(texting friend in Australia) hey man what’s tomorrow like? anything I should know ?
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had a great run last night. ran passed an old grimace shake tik tok film site and a dead octopus on the sidewalk
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if you find that submarine let me know
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me and a bunch of my buddies are at the beach looking out at the ocean. still no sign of the submarine
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a couple of us even waded out about waist deep
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considering getting all the way in at this point. Is a bit cold.. also just washed my hair
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having a little laugh thinking about my buddy describing a bad little Caesar’s hot n ready he had once as “All Ready. No Hot”
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hard to not be at least a little bummed when one of your favorite restaurants announces “we are making some disgusting changes”
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that is a great looking landing. Can see why you shared it
CNN Breaking News
@cnnbrk3 Apr 2023
Former President Donald Trump has arrived at New York's LaGuardia Airport ahead of Tuesday's arraignment. Follow live updates. cnn.it/3zM3uh7
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They said they Wanna see the toys 🤥😹 OK then 💯🙈🙉
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