bmac

“Get me to God’s country,” I say as I knock over the bottle of Hunt’s ketchup at our last meal of vacation before returning to Pittsburgh.

“That was not on my bingo card!” 😜🤪 I cannot stress to you how much I hate this phrase and how much that is not how bingo works.

I don’t think the kids know who Marilyn Manson is, so I just told a group of high school kids that Mr. Beast removed one of his ribs so he could suck his own dong. Hopefully that spreads like wildfire.

I think @CoreyOConnorPA and the @nfl should team up to hand out Bluetooth ear pieces downtown so ppl coming to the draft can’t tell that all the crackheads are talking to themselves.

I must express my hatred for @gain’s radio commercial where a guy can’t identify who smells good on a bus. A. How would he know a stranger is a “retired mailman”? B. Someone is his “soulmate” based on their smell. Jesus Christ, “smell mate” was right there. C. The bus stinks.

BREAKING: Corey O’Connor set to become Pittsburgh’s first openly dweeb mayor.

The worst part about Elon being involved with Trump’s cabinet is that you know when him and Vivek came up with that dumbass DOGE acronym, those dorks high fived and jumped around the room probably tapping their tiny wieners together.

The most telling sign that the two sides are very different is that the Dems lost, and instead of an insurrection, the worst thing they’ll do is have the SNL cold open be Maya Rudolph singing a shitty version of We Are the World.

I am strongly considering going to the upcoming Imagine Dragons show in Pittsburgh solely because I desperately want to know who the fuck listens to Imagine Dragons.

Women’s basketball AND a solar eclipse in the SAME week?! Helluva time to be something that I have no interest in and is difficult to look at.

Guys, bad news is, I mixed up my holidays. Good news is though, he didn’t see his shadow when I pulled Abraham Lincoln out of his hole today. Spring shall be sprung.

The people who get mad that little kids of color are inspired by characters looking like them when they normally don’t are the same people who buy an authentic NFL jersey of the most average white wide receivers ever.

Guuuurrrlll… are you Patrick Mahomes’ ankle sprain? Because you are fake as fuck and only exist for the attention and drama.

My 4 year old son’s best friend who is also 4 years old invited me over to his house because “we have beers.” He is now also my best friend.

LeBron’s “fuck, man, thank you guys” is the way we should all express gratitude.

This woman couldn’t possibly be more dumb. After calling for civilians to shoot down the balloon, she posts a song that’s about idiots trying to start a war over simple balloons.

Watching football with my son, and he kept asking what the numbers were. “What does a 1 and a 3 make?” “Thirteen.” “What does a 2 and a 3 make?” “Twenty-three.” “What does a 6 and a 9 make.” “Dinner for two.” One day, he will understand that I am funny. #nice

The mega millions is 940 million. If I win, there will be an NBA team in Pittsburgh.

If they continue the game tonight without complete confirmation that Hamlin will be okay, I will never watch the NFL again in my life.

Just built a gingerbread house with my son and it is absolute trash. No foundation, studs, or plumbing. This shit would fail inspection.