axenbane (@axenbane) header
axenbane (@axenbane) profile picture

axenbane

@axenbane

If you can't laugh at yourself, I'll do it for you. https://xitter.cf/t.co/3Ilt1BM6GD

favstar.fm/users/axenbane
Joined April 2013
  • Tweets13.7K
  • Following6.5K
  • Followers6.4K
1Media
Photo by axenbane (@axenbane)
I'll always be there for you except when I'm not.
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I act like I have my shit together when I'm drunk, but it literally takes me 10 minutes to write one tweet.
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Sex so good, you didn't need to read Where's Waldo first to get you in the mood.
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This PCP is making my dick so hard. I think I should break it off.
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To the dude running without a shirt on in the snow... Why? <--Throws her "Don't Be A Dick" sweatshirt at him and peals away in her car
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I used to have Netflix. Now I have Twitter. I can wait until I'm smart enough to use them both at the same time.
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Got a cold? Shower yourself in chicken noodle soup. *pours soup over whiny husband with man cold*
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Guy with 1,000 hilarious top-notch tweets: 265 followers Girl with 30 tweets about her cat and a boob avi: 2,650 followers
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Can't. Gassing up my flamethrower.
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For the record, I don't like to put the punctuation inside of the quotes. I don't care what you think. As my mother would say, "Fuck off".
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*getting ready for the gym* Spend 20mins battling with my sports bra - burn 1000calories - return to lying on couch exhausted.
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It's not about whether your team wins or loses. It's about how much you yell at the TV.
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I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
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Possibly the most popular lie ever told is "I do".
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Roses are red. Violets are blue. Your wife swallowed my day care, And I came in her too.
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axenbane retweeted
Jim (@GibJimson) profile picture
Jim@GibJimson7 Feb 2016
You mean these doors open automatically for everyone, not just me?
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The sheer delight in crafting a truly spectacular and clever tweet is reward enough, but would it kill anyone to give ONE FUCKING STAR?
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Genuine smiles for the heart. Delighted laughs for the wit. Tender kisses for the scars. That's a rare trifecta. The gamble pays off.
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