I threw up in a public park trying to pick up my dog's shit. https://xitter.cf/t.co/TRkePkK7Dh
Joined May 2013
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My Grandma calls me 'baby bird' because my drunk ass mother puked on my bedroom floor when I was a toddler, and I guess I ate a bit.
I googled βunique and exciting ways to pass the time during a pandemicβ and now itβs August and all my pets are dead.
FartMuffler π¨π¦π³οΈβπ retweeted
Iβm looking for a Yoga routine designed for people who are about as flexible as crowbars.
FartMuffler π¨π¦π³οΈβπ retweeted
Yesterday an account with 24 followers replied to a tweet in which I was trying to be funny with "OMG get some therapy." She was kind of right because I blocked her and, boy, was it therapeutic.
FartMuffler π¨π¦π³οΈβπ retweeted
On which portion of my resumè should I list my neck tattoos?
FartMuffler π¨π¦π³οΈβπ retweeted
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
FartMuffler π¨π¦π³οΈβπ retweeted
[first day as a fireman]
old lady: please help! my cat is stuck in a tree
me: is-is it on fire?
FartMuffler π¨π¦π³οΈβπ retweeted
Realized I may be an aggressive driver upon hearing my 4yo nephew yell βpick a lane assholeβ from his little car-shaped grocery cart.
FartMuffler π¨π¦π³οΈβπ retweeted
Mechanic: Your cabin air filter needs to be replaced for $40. The air inside the car is probably unhealthy.
Wife: No thanks. My husband usually drives this.
FartMuffler π¨π¦π³οΈβπ retweeted
Itβs easy to feel invisible when youβre looking down at the ground.
Look up once in awhile. Youβll see youβre not alone.
