Baron Von Douche

I'm 47, unmarried, have no kids, and I've now taken in a stray cat. This "dying alone" thing is really picking up some serious fucking momentum.

Today's kids will never know the anxiety of having to rewind dad's VHS porno to the exact spot before you started watching.

Age 12. Walked Confederate General Pickett's Charge. Gettysburg. One mile of open ground. Fuck that shit.

I take online classes for my master's because I care about my education but not enough to put pants on.

Hard to believe, if I'd invested in Microsoft in the 80's, I'd be dead of a drug overdose.

I loved my coach like a father.... Rip Mr. Hauck.... And Craig Mullins & Tony Law.

If you paid 3 million for a recount that increased your opponents lead... YOUR A DUMBASS

Sex so good you take off the Santa suit and clap.

#14 Safety & backup QB. 1986 senior day with family Boone County, Kentucky. State At Large Champions

Welcome to 40: When one huge fart throws out your back.

No longer on the naughty list. 😀

It's been 10 years since Leslie Nielsen passed away at a hospital. It's a big building with doctors and patients, but that's not important right now.

Me: What are you thankful for? Mom: I’m thankful for you...when you’re not annoying shit out of me.

My Black Friday was simulated at home by hurling myself into a wall 100 times then ordering online.

If your dog wears antlers, then you're an asshole.

The holiday isn't complete until one of my family members lunges across the table.

Happy Holidays to everyone except people who don’t acknowledge the ‘80s as the best music era ever.

If you see a naked and crawling dude, that's me. Fucked up on psych meds. Pull over and give me a ride to the liquor store.

Big shoutout to all the drunk people who haven’t blocked, muted, or unfollowed me. All five of you are awesome!

I'm the Jason Bourne of dodging Salvation Army bell ringers.

You saw mommy kissing Santa Claus? Pfffft, he could raw dog me dry for a new Lexus.