@TheAlexP

A boy who will always believe. https://xitter.cf/t.co/ajSE8ZLWAf

 Perpetual Hope
xitter.cf/thealexp/timelines/556893815043555328
Joined June 2009
  • Tweets236K
  • Following11.8K
  • Followers27.3K
56Media
*dog pokes me with nose* *stop, it's late* (Dog looks at me with sad eyes) *ugh, ok* [sets up poker table for him and his friends]
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ally
@missmaynJan 10
young people might not believe this but the internet used to be really fun.
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Piece
@Piecezilla20 Jun 2016
Putting a bell around a cow's neck to circumvent its stealthiness is just wrong. I say let them hunt.
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Jon@ArfMeasures31 May 2019
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
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Jon@ArfMeasures20 Nov 2019
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy! Worm: Thanks for the "worm" welcome haha God *creates birds*
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lil jon lovitz(?)@liljonlovitz30 Dec 2021
me before starting "james and the giant peach": how giant could it be. like a cantaloupe me after starting "james and the giant peach": holy fucking shit
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Jon@ArfMeasures25 Oct 2020
Me: I never use essential oils Car mechanic: that's why it's on fire
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mo@chuuew23 Jul 2020
I don't let penguins win any type of game because I know they're all dying to say "penguinner"
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Andrew Nadeau
@TheAndrewNadeau26 Jan 2020
There’s a parallel universe where people age non-linearly, and every day you have no idea how old you’ll wake up. So sometimes you’d have to call into work like, “Sorry, can’t make it in today, I’m 7.”
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Tony@tsm56019 Jul 2020
There’s no distance, no time zone, no language barrier that stupidity can’t transcend
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Jon@ArfMeasures22 Jul 2020
Detective: where were you between 2 and 4? Me *confidently* preschool
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Jon@ArfMeasures21 Jan 2019
Cop *knocking on door* open up it's the police! Me: it's ok, I haven't done any crimes Cop: The fashion police Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
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mo@chuuew26 Jun 2020
WIFE: I'm expecting ME: Oh my god WIFE: a pizza delivery in 10 minutes ME: OH MY GOD
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Andrew Nadeau
@TheAndrewNadeau21 Jul 2020
I sigh loudly, seeing my roommate has again clogged our drain with snakes and shampoo. 'She has other strengths.” I remind myself. ‘She decorated. I could never afford such realistic statues.'
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mo@chuuew7 Jul 2017
DOCTOR: He's in shock COP: What happened? D: Someone made him smoke a marijuana cigarette C: You're saying-? D: Yes. Blunt forced trauma
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