Learning how to put in contact lenses is like performing Hostel as a one-man show.

Ugh... yeah, sorry, I'm just... blarg... so [yawn]..... tired... I'm just urghgh... I'm just hhhhhhngngng... I'm just tired from coming into work on time today.

Girlfriend got fired from the paradimensional demon containment facility for gently placing the lids on the enchanted urns without screwing them on.

Talking to my younger self through a mirror except it's his car's rearview mirror and he's going 80 on the highway and I'm screaming "PANIC!" at him.

Ed Sheeran auditioning for the liberal heel in every @_rathbone video.

Guess who made it into the sexy hunks calendar at my work? Say hello to Mr. July. They even gave me a nickname: Palate Cleanser

Mine are the "cartoon box propped up by a stick with a string tied to it" of thirst traps.

Thinking of telling people that my autistic special interest is crushing pussy. Any notes?

I don't mind religious bumper stickers but the "baby on board" one befuddles me. I mean, wasn't Jesus crucified at 33?

*the abyss autistic-gazes back at me*

*leaning in to the mushroom-enhanced coffee vendor at the health expo* "Did you put your dick in the coffee?"

me: Apenas... puse... puse... apenas puse... apenas.... friend: Please don't practice your Spanish right now.

Something about this acupuncturist makes me nervous. I've been in the waiting room for an hour sitting on pins and needles.

I miss Gene Kelly so much that I still visit the cemetery once a year to tap dance on his grave.