@NormalJonathan

jonathan

Joined December 2013
  • Tweets2.2K
  • Following386
  • Followers88
145Media
Health officials are warning the public to be on the lookout for this virus
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My doctor: (pointing to my new E.T. shirt) I like your shirt Me: I don't know who this is
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male version of eat Pray love is going to a Midwest metropolitan city so you can lose 700 dollars at a casino black out have your phone die and then walk around the city almost getting killed for 4 hours until a CVS opens so you can buy a charger to use in a Marriott lobby
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The Slinky was almost not released in American stores because the development team thought its reluctant descent down the stairs would be “too poignant”.
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jonathan retweeted
kave@kvpqn13 Nov 2023
This picture actually made me remember that when I was a kid I used to sneak handfuls of dog food and eat it after school and my dad got so fed up because he thought the dog was over eating so he would punch it in the stomach before feeding it, so it wouldn’t eat as much
al!@readsbi13 Sep 2022
this picture actually hurts my soul
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White people go to a Glubian restaurant and order Pickled Wumba, Greeble Deeb and Plerbo fries, 😂😂😂😂
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Is it just me or are there so many dirty puns with chess ☠️☠️☠️ For example Suck my rook
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thought I had a subscription to the New York Time but turns out I was just reading the Wikipedia page for “hamburger” every day and forgetting
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Darth Sidious orders Count Dooku to order Jango Fett to order Zam Wesell to order a droid to order killer centipedes to kill Padmé Amidala (2002)
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Cops planted a guy in my trunk. And then when another cop came he said it was my guy
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jonathan retweeted
wint
@dril30 Jan 2020
alan dershowitz once tried to defend me in court by pulling out a pocket pussy and insisting he would never fuck it. we lost the case
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just reading the chat on the hurricane ida live cam
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Your honor, my client, Mr Garfield, cannot be held responsible for those murders. He will testify that he was under the influence of lasagna at the time.
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President Biden has removed the Diet Coke button. When @ShippersUnbound and I interviewed Donald Trump in 2019, we became fascinated by what the little red button did. Eventually Trump pressed it, and a butler swiftly brought in a Diet Coke on a silver platter. It's gone now.
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jonathan retweeted
AXE
@AXE_US7 Jan 2021
We'd rather be lonely than with that mob. AXE condemns yesterday's acts of violence and hate at the Capitol. We believe in the democratic process and the peaceful transition of power.
Mike DeBonis@mikedebonis7 Jan 2021
Left by the mob: a lonely can of Axe body spray
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#breaking John Roderick Ken Jennings Defends Co-Podcaster John Roderick Amid "Bean ...,Long Winters' John Roderick Dubbed “Bean Dad” After Viral Tweets ... Roderick garnered attention on Twitter after sharing a story about how his 9-year-old daughter learned to use a can
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jonathan retweeted
Gushers@gushers6 Jun 2020
Gushers wouldn’t be Gushers without the Black community and your voices. We’re working with @fruitbythefoot on creating space to amplify that. We see you. We stand with you.
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Pete Buttigieg tells chipotle employees when he sees people fill their water cups with soda – at Queens, NY
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jonathan retweeted
NPR
@NPR14 Nov 2019
Three Indiana judges have been suspended for "behaving in an injudicious manner" after a failed attempt to visit a strip club led to a drunken brawl outside an Indianapolis White Castle that ended with two of the judges being shot. n.pr/2NQRUtX
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