Pinned Tweet
I ate at church’s chicken and then I threw up in my bathtub and the roaches in my apartment started eating the vomit and they died lol
BREAKING: FDA approves experimental gene editing therapy to treat mild to moderate seasonal dandruff
Prankster: you should sneak up to your friend in the dark and yell something scary!
Me: Fee fi fo fum! 😈
If I was the president, I would cut the red tape and let the politicians in D.C. know that Americans are trying to put food on the table for their families!
One time my eighth grade science teacher was talking about Britain and out of the blue went, “ahh, this country would be so much better if we used the parliamentary system,” as if a class of 8th graders would have opinions on the pros and cons of the British parliamentary system
Yo momma’s so stupid doctors had to remove a tapeworm from her because she accidentally ate tape so she ate a tapeworm because she thought they ate tape
(Author’s note: this is a rough translation of an ancient Sumerian joke)
“Mad Men” is about what it’s like to be an editor for the satirical paper published at your fairly prestigious state school
Oats are encased in an inedible hull. Inside the hull, a seedlike groat. And that groat, gentlemen, is encased in bran.











