@ModeratelyMused

chronically unserious, emotionally impervious

 LA
Joined August 2013
  • Tweets65.7K
  • Following3.5K
  • Followers10.8K
3.7KMedia
This thing had sex, it had a wife, and kids, and friends. What do you have? A Twitter account?
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Adam Karpiak
@Adam_KarpiakOct 23
my manager: we’re like a family here! me going to tell my manager I found a family that pays more:
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Shafeeq
@Y2SHAF20h
I could’ve lived the rest of my life in absolute peace without ever reading this
Pop Tingz
@PopTingzOct 23
Pitbull has admits he had an erection while performing with Jennifer Lopez at the 2011 American Music Awards.
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painfully afflicted by the not knowing, please just tell me your social security number
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sorry i can’t, i’m teaching my cat french
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machine pun jelly👹@iamvkhil2Oct 23
dont look at me with those 'order me a pizza's eyes.
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well my weekend plans are shot what are you lil fools up to
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tasman
@lildorothy_Oct 23
if shes your girl how comes she yawning after i just yawned
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it’s barely 9am and I’ve been accused of *potentially* saying something offensive, guess i know what it feels like now to live in NORTH KOREA
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َ@gffyoqOct 23
i'm so hungry i could eat a trip to a countryside in japan and never come back.
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m
@skitzocatOct 23
(Infront of a mirror) i know a retard when i see one
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before i call my ex while my crush is sleeping does anyone want to go to Taco Bell or
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deb 🍎 ݁ ˖ִ ࣪@debbatmanOct 22
the way he says “you’re flustering me” makes my clit twitch bro
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John Tremain
@johnntremainOct 23
Replying to @baltic_dan
Lil Homies commute underground
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DaddyJew@DaddyJewOct 22
*circling foot in the floor* idk, how do you plead, your honor
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mike☺︎ (scary joe armstrong)@PhilipJFriedOct 22
yes shrimp can actually fry rice, but only if they have fully developed tempura lobe
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DaddyJew@DaddyJewOct 22
Them: don’t take this the wrong way Me, balling up my fist: go on…
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Natalie Would@_NatalieWouldOct 22
Don't pet my peeves
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Dan Carney
@DanManCarneyOct 22
Drinking Diet Coke out of boredom
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machine pun jelly👹@iamvkhil2Oct 21
rob a bank, then blame it on your zodiac sign, no ?
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Jason Goes to Hell@benedictsredOct 22
Microdosing being a horse by hoping you’ll hold me
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