The most badass piece of graffiti I ever saw said “Fuck Airbnb”

School mornings are so sweet, I put my kids’ lunches in their backpacks, tell them I love them, hand them their obscenely large Stanley water buckets and send them on their way.

I have a friend I text with twice a year on our birthdays, and both times we say we miss each other and should get together soon and sincerely mean it, and then never actually get together and it’s the best.

Oh, your man sends you flirty texts? Big deal, my phone gets blown up all day with login verification codes and doctor’s appointment reminders.

*Tells my mom and mother-in-law a piece of news about my 14yo daughter* 14: OMG CAN YOU NOT TELL THE ENTIRE BLOODLINE???

Me: Ugh, look at how obnoxious this Facebook post is. It’s just an excuse to brag, their marriage probably isn’t even that happy. Also me: *hearts post*

When random strangers ask if my daughter got her red hair from the mailman, I find it very offensive. Like first of all, our mailman isn’t even attractive.

So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.