Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.

[Arriving in Hell] *Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*

When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”