Tim Messenger

.@SuzanneUSCC @USCCFoundation Sorry y'all had to get such a stupid letter from @RepJasonSmith. Glad I don't live in Missouri.

Good old emojis, doing all the hard work so I don't have to. 🤡

Y'all know @FASB isn't there 2 protect US MNC's interests right?! @repkevinhern @RepFrenchHill @RepCarolMiller @ByronDonalds @RepAdrianSmith @USRepMikeFlood @RepRonEstes @RepYoungKim @Repmikekelley @RepAndyOgles @RepGregoryMeeks @RepTimmons @RepDavidKustoff @RepHouchin @RepTenney

Americans are such big assholes that the IRS will no longer show up unannounced because said assholes assault them.

No wife. No kids. No girlfriend. No friends. He shops online.

#NoWife #NoKids #NoUtility

Telling the truth doesn’t make you a good person. “Truth-teller” is a euphemism for asshole. #NoOneEvenAskedYou

My utility function is entirely based off the consumption of my children’s laughter, and I don’t even have a girlfriend. #depressed

I’m sad.

I go to bed earlier as I get older, but I think it’s just because I take my drugs and alcohol earlier.

I hope I get a lot of work done today.

I’ve thrown away enough over-ripened avocados that I could have put someone through college.

Leaf blowers are great when your solution is making it someone else’s problem.

I’m happy

I don’t care if it’s #jonsnow or #fezco as long as @HBO smashes the fuck outta someones face on Sunday night, I’m entertained. @euphoriaHBO

I’m exhausted even thinking about critiquing the non-originally of my own thoughts.

A diverse group of educated and intelligent people deciding how to fix the planet is as tone deaf as a bunch of white dudes telling women what they can do with their bodies.

I’d give it all up for just clean water and clean air. Wait, that’s not an option?! I’m going to fucking space. — Bezos

I’m a man, what can I do? I can think about it. I definitely can think about thinking about it.