Em

TikTok be like, “did you know if you like a tidy home that’s a trauma response? Sometimes you feel irritable? That’s a trauma response! Blink and breathe? TRAUMA RESPONSE!”

What my husband says: “I’m going to finish my report.” What I’m assuming he actually means: “Please sit across from me and tell me your theories on famous cold cases.”

Oh, that’s interesting! Is that term also used for seeing eye dogs or medical alert dogs? Seems like “emotional support” is a limiting term for all the stuff service animals can do!

The service is biting your face off

Friendly reminder that “Emotional Support Animals” are not ADA Service Animals, they’re pets with a vest and an entitled owner.

I’m in my “order so much sushi the restaurant gives me two sets of chopsticks” era

I wonder how many couples I helped get engaged at Disneyland are divorced now.

🎶Brandy, you’re a fine girl. What a good wife you would be. But my life, my love and my lady, is a crab. 🦀🎶

Anyone who menstruates: “I’ve got a weird symptom. What does it mean?” Medical community: “Eh, it do be like that sometimes.” Menstruating person: “can I get more information or a treatment plan or something?” Medical community: “IT. 👏🏻 DO. 👏🏻 BE. 👏🏻 LIKE. 👏🏻THAT. 👏🏻 SOMETIMES.”

No offense to NeeNaw and PoopPoop

Me: “Live your life how you want, man! As long as you’re not hurting anybody I don’t judge. You do you!” Also me: “These made-up nonsense names for grandparents have to STOP!”

“My MIL asked if she could hold HER GRANDDAUGHTER. 😡 Like no bitch, that’s not YOUR granddaughter, it’s 👶🏻MY👶🏻 BABY! 😤 She will not leave my grasp for ⏱ONE ⏱ SECOND. The AUDACITY to want to hold MY BABY! I shut that SHIT DOWN. We momma bears have to 👏🏻SET 👏🏻BOUNDARIES👏🏻”

Since the TikTok algorithm seems to think I’m a mom, I’ve discovered a slew of videos whose genre is basically “moms upset that other people also love their baby.”

“This is RIDICULOUS!” - ancient Karen proverb

Hulu: “Listen, we’ve got plenty of other stuff we’re recommending to you. We’ve got documentaries, true crime, and plenty of other procedurals. I’m begging you, try something new.” Me: “…start CSI season 11.”

I usually like to walk on my lunch break, but it’s 97° out. So today we’re doing it Jane Austen character-style. (I take a refreshing turn about the room and unsuccessfully flirt with a disinterested brooding man.)

(Baby One More Time comes on the radio) “YEEEESSS!” (Realizes I’m listening to KEARTH) “NOOOOOOO!”