Anthony Baer

If I'm asking you which of your children you love the most, it's because you have a pinned tweet.

Sure I'll help you out. Where did you come in from?

You know what's awesome? Not much.

I bet none of you can't imitate my voicemail message as well as I do when I accidentally answer.

My New Year's resolution is to be more forward thinking.

Awesome group cuddle. Now where's my glasses?

In this neighborhood we show our ass kicking shoes. Stay out or be out.

Just before I die, I'm gonna change my FB status to "Sure there's some screaming going on but I honestly thougt it would be hotter".

Uhm, yeah... Sure I wanna hold your baby.

Do you mean an African or Indian relevant?

Let me know if you have some spare sleep gathering dust. I'm all over that.

"So we're doing a porn spoof of The X-files. Let's nail that title, people." [two hours later] "Uhm... Can we have some czechs in it?"

I used to have a hard time focusing on the present. I still do but I also used to.

*panics and sets phone to fight mode* *737 turns into F16*

St Peter is the patron saint of immigration officers.

Just expressing what the world's most wool-yielding sheep reminds me of. I'm out of kush btw.

I always carry a can of pepper spray, an expandable baton and a rhythm stick. Better safe than sorry.

Sometimes it's a little frustrating that "How come you're overweight when you're vegan?" is not considered polite conversation.

"Yeah well studies show stuff all the time..." Me talking to internet ads and perhaps needing to get out more on weekends.