I work in a bakery. A guy came in to order a birthday cake for his twin daughters. Me: "What would you like written on it?" Customer: "Happy Birthday Emma and Chloe." Me: "Any specific colors?" Customer: "Emma in pink, Chloe in blue. But make sure you put Chloe's name over the chocolate half. She hates vanilla." Me: "Sir, the whole cake is vanilla." Customer: "Can't you just frost her name with chocolate ingredients?”

"Are you casting to the living room?" My roommate texted me this at 2 AM, and my stomach instantly dropped because I was, in fact, watching a deeply embarrassing documentary about competitive sheep shearing in bed. I ran out to the hallway and heard the TV blaring this intense Welsh man talking about fleece quality. My roommate was just sitting on the couch in his underwear, eating dry cereal, completely mesmerized. He looked up and said, "Don't turn it off, Gethin is about to break the record." We watched it till 4 AM.