Sofia Javed

i'm a woman in my 40s. my algorithm: - babies are starving in gaza - mothers are getting deported - EAT PROTEIN - the downfall of democracy - the rise of fascism - EAT MORE PROTEIN - women aren't people - men will kill you - HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT GREEK YOGURT AND COTTAGE CHEESE?!

Join me on Saturday, 6/7/25  at 8PM as I share a true story on @RISKshow live at @MiracleTheatreDC in Washington DC! There will be curated stories and a story slam! Tickets: RISK-show.com/live.

THEM: Sofia, you're SO FUNNY ME: Thanks! When I was 16, my father died, and then an adult handed me our family's phonebook and told me to call everyone and tell them the news and invite them to the funeral.

@CoveredIllinois i'm trying to check the status of my medicaid application. phone system doesn't recognize my d.o.b. and ss#. it asks for an 8-digit application number that begins with a T. my application number is 10 digits, no T. can't get through to a human. please advise

@XfinitySupport @Xfinity i am being overcharged, and i cannot connect with an agent by phone or by chat.

ME: I discussed it with some friends and then made a decision... MY THERAPIST: are those friends white? ME: ...yes MY THERAPIST: for the record, I don't agree with them

#AbbottElementary #Abbottabad #SealTeamSix #PakistanZindabad

Sorry I'm late. I got held up at work...

If the 2028 event isn't called "Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo"... #olympics

@Grubhub i love you

@Grubhub do better. Pay your workers well so they don't have to do this:

@Grubhub do better. Pay your workers well so they don't have to do this:

@Grubhub shame on you. please pay your workers enough so they don't have to do this.

i'm single because my father died when i was 16, and my mother is 4'10", so there was no one around to force me into marriage. i got lucky with a dead dad. i've never been married. thank goodness for cancer. multiple myeloma gave me freedom! #desi #single #freedom #DDC

ME: I've been lumpy, bumpy, and headachey for two days after a bundle of poorly stowed seat belt buckles fell from the overhead bin onto my head. @AmericanAir: Please accept this generic response that makes no sense in the context of your reported injury on our aircraft.

Life is expensive when you have big boobs and shitty eyesight. At least I don't need braces.

"You will never live to regret this." NEW EPISODE!

"It is true what they say . . . birds with no feathers do flock together." NEW EPISODE!

If we're in a zoom meeting together, and I turn my camera off, it's because I have an urgent need to pluck a hair from my chin. Or I have to pee. Or both.

"You can talk until the cows buy homes..." NEW EPISODE!