I introduced my dad to binge watching and half way through the 5th season of Breaking Bad he declared, 'This is the weirdest movie I've ever seen, it's so long.'

I'm taking a gap decade

Me: I do not have small boobs. Salesperson: You put the bra on backwards.

Everyone else: The pizza is serving its own babies!! Me: *calling the police* You are not going to believe how this girl is holding her pizza.

Do you ever just give up trying to correct autocorrect? Like fine, she has trucks up her sleeve. Send.

Him: You look good without your glasses. Me: Thanks, so do you.

Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal. Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.

Apparently 'close enough' isn't an accounting term.

Me: I really want 28 birds for Christmas My true love: ok, but it's going to take a few days