Climate change exists. Of course it exists. Without climate change, half of Europe would still be sitting under an ice sheet, eating frozen disappointment and trying to invent bureaucracy with a mammoth bone. So who do we blame for getting us out of the Ice Age? Mammoth farts? Neanderthal campfires? A suspiciously warm cave in Belgium? One prehistoric man called Bjørn standing in a bearskin robe saying: “Guys, I think my carbon footprint just melted Denmark.” This is where the EU scam begins. They take a planet that has always changed, always shifted, always frozen, melted, burned, flooded and reshaped itself like a drunk god playing with Play-Doh. Then Brussels enters the room with a purple logo, a panic graph, 900 consultants and a taxpayer-funded digital Earth Tamagotchi and says: “Pay us or the weather gets it.” That is not science. That is medieval indulgence selling with better fonts. Heatwave? Tax. Flood? Regulation. Drought? Digital monitoring. Cold winter? Still your fault. A cow burps in Poland? Emergency summit with quinoa, lanyards and Ursula standing over a climate altar like the High Priestess of Bureaucratic Thunder. Yes, climate changes. It changed before your committees. It changed before your hashtags. It changed before your stupid ice cream cone graphics. And it will keep changing long after your digital replica of Earth crashes during a procurement hearing. You are not protecting the planet. You are milking fear like a taxpayer-funded mammoth with sore nipples. Climate change got us out of the Ice Age. The EU just wants to tax us back into one. And now excuse me while I blame a mammoth fart and throw up.