Puxatawney, PA:
Shadow. Schmadow.
Call me when he can sing Sugarhill Gang's "Rapper's Delight" without stopping and no slips.
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RL Parrot Dee retweeted
I probably deserve a Nobel Peace Prize for the number of fights and arguments I've had to break up between my two boys.
RL Parrot Dee retweeted
I can't seem to log-on to www.bungee-jumping-vampires .com
It always says 'a count suspended'.
RL Parrot Dee retweeted
Hello 911? My millennial coworker just told me they thought I would be great friends with their mom.
RL Parrot Dee retweeted
Elton John was telling me that, in the middle ages, if mounted soldiers needed a poo they had to do it in their armour because it was so difficult to take off. They weren't happy about it, but that didn't matter because Sad Turdy Knight's Alright for Fighting. – at East, England
RL Parrot Dee retweeted
My daughter has a crush on a boy so looks like we are about to have more hoodies in the house.
RL Parrot Dee retweeted
No one warns you about the stage of marriage where you get triggered by your spouse adding an ‘s’ to a store name when there isn’t one.
RL Parrot Dee retweeted
Reminder to not get distracted halfway through writing the word "analgesic" on the board in front of high school students.
RL Parrot Dee retweeted
Went to Walmart.
0/10. Would not recommend.
Waste of time. They only had 4 walls.
Reminds me of when I was young and the landscaper used to let me run bare feet over the freshly cut grass. Those days are lawn gone.
I was today years old when I realized He-Man's last name was "Gioma"
#LunchPun
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Stealers Wheel were on their farm brainstorming ideas for their next big song.
-How about “chicken broth”?
-Maybe that “Harrison Ford award” of yours?
-Consider “Sorceress Sheep”?
Let’s combine them all.
“Stock” “Indy Medal” “Witch Ewe”
#LunchPun
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Next on the True Crime channel, we focus on the sudden appearance of granola bars, Eggo Waffles, breakfast burritos, and smoothies to the morning scene – a documentary series on cereal killers.
#LunchPun
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This magician always takes Viagra before he goes on stage. Midway between each trick, right before the sleight, he distracts everyone by dropping his tuxedo trousers so you won’t see the move.
Whoa, strange act. What’s his name?
The Amazing Mister Erection
#Lunchpun
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I signed my toddler up for math classes even before he could speak. They sold me on "math at such an early age is good for their development".
Well, he came home only speaking in numbers. I asked him to stop, but he didn’t 1 2
#Lunchpun
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