♠️ James ♠️

I'm sorry I couldn't answer your text, my mouth was full of peanut butter.

Win an Elmer T. Lee Barrel Selection Experience valued at $18,000 sazeracbarrelselect.com/char… #elmertlee #sazeracbarrelselect

Fajita is Latin for “a taco you have to make yourself”

If you call me daddy you now have to accept “because I said so” as an answer.

Me at the Mexican restaurant when margaritas arrive

If your rim were salted it would probably get licked more often.

I’m not saying I have lofty goals but I hit my move goal shaking after going to the bathroom.

When you really wanted tater tots and Sonic gives you this.

Why call it scissoring when you could call it a thigh-five?

I can’t read braille but I’m not opposed to rubbing it across my nipples.

Ironic that all the Twitter DOMs showed up around the same time people started telling Siri, Alexa, and Google to do stuff.

Not sure who needs to hear this… it’s not ghosting if only one person starts the conversations and they quit, they got the hint.

Cold pizza is charcuterie, fight me.

Snapchat: send pictures that you don’t want saved. Also Snapchat: 1 year ago today ::nude pic::

*pins you to the top of my messages

Just buy some brown fenders for the pavement princess jeep you bought, douche.

I don’t know who needs to hear this… if you own a doughnut shop and you’re closed on Monday you’re a terrorist.

Liquor store employees are always able to greet you with a “good morning,” chances are your hungover ass just woke up.

When @littlecaesars is too lazy to make cheese bread they just slap the sticker on a pepperoni pizza