wizard ✍🏻 | https://xitter.cf/t.co/sDCPqzqca1 alt | @n3gative_loop
Berlin
Joined June 2020
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Roland | positive loop retweeted
Best thing I learned this year was:
If something feels off, step back and disengage.
Don't wait to figure out what is off. Step back anyways.
I don't have to know what my exact boundary is or how to communicate it before I step back to get the space I need.
Roland | positive loop retweeted
Speaking of self-deception…
Weirdest thing happened: I was playing MTGA (as I do) but for the first time in months and after a Jhourney retreat so sensory clarity was ↑↑↑.
I play the first game and I win, cool, nice warm feeling in the chest. I play the second game and I lose and IMMEDIATELY alt tab into Safari. What?
So I notice (because sensory clarity is high right) and decide to go upstairs to write about it. I've been noticing and writing my emotions, I have an office with just a blank sheet of paper always ready.
As I'm half-way through the stairs I feel PROFOUND pain. Deep, deep pain. It has to be emotional but I don't remember feeling something so acute. And it came from losing at Magic, what the fuck??
—————————————————————————
That was last week. Today I was telling therapist about it. She says something to the extent of "I won't stop connecting with you just because you're bad at Magic." Immediately sense of constriction in my heart. I look into it. It's deconstricting, actually. It felt like it had been corseted in some sort of metal cage, constrincting it, and that she saying it had released or dissolved the cage but that the heart had been so long in this shape that it hurt to go back.
We keep investigating. "Do you have any memory?" "Actually… yea."
And I remembered ages ago, 8 years ago to be exact, I remember I was in this AirBnB and my life wasn't great and in that moment in a way that wasn't either fully conscious but wasn't fully unconscious either ("half-conscious"!?) I decided to invest my self in being good at Magic. I made some sort of diabolical deal with myself that reminded me of that idea that “Desire is a contract you make with yourself to be unhappy until you get what you want.” Like, I'll invest my personality in this which will make me get good at it and then I can derive fulfillment from that but it'll really sting when I lose. (Which is what will motivate me to get good.)
I then told my therapist it felt like I had cursed myself and we were now lifting the curse.
Roland | positive loop retweeted
"Oh this? This is just an entity from the nether realm I summoned by enscribing runes on magic stones I forged in a sacred kiln, then proceeded to cast certain spells to distill the collective conscious to imbue it into the substrate. Don't worry, it doesn't have a soul."
Roland | positive loop retweeted
[-] be an older person (working on it)
[ ] have achieved identity
[-] have achieved autonomy (got it but lost it)
[ ] have experienced enduring, loyal, post-romantic love relationship
[ ] have found your calling, the altar upon which to offer yourself
[x] have worked out your own system of values
[-] have enough experience (responsibility for others, tragedy, failure, achievement, success) to shed perfectionistic illusions and become realistic (still clinging onto idealism my fingers are slipping)
[ ] have made peace with death
[ ] have learnt how to be patient
[x] have learnt enough about evil in yourself and others to be compassionate
[ ] have become post-ambivalent about parents and elders, power and authority
[x] have become knowledgeable and educated enough to open the possibility of becoming wise
[x] have acquired enough courage to be unpopular
[-] have acquired enough courage to be unashamed about being openly virtuous (idk man you, how does one claim this about themselves)
prerequisites for self-actualisation
checklist:
- be an older person
- have achieved identity
- have achieved autonomy
- have experienced enduring, loyal, post-romantic love relationship
- have found your calling, the altar upon which to offer yourself
- have worked out your own system of values
- have enough experience (responsibility for others, tragedy, failure, achievement, success) to shed perfectionistic illusions and become realistic
- have made peace with death
- have learnt how to be patient
- have learnt enough about evil in yourself and others to be compassionate
- have become post-ambivalent about parents and elders, power and authority
- have become knowledgeable and educated enough to open the possibility of becoming wise
- have acquired enough courage to be unpopular
- have acquired enough courage to be unashamed about being openly virtuous
Roland | positive loop retweeted
"we have extremely smart people thinking very hard about how to do good & minimise harm" sir your epistemology is obscuring nearly everything good and true and beautiful about the world fml
Roland | positive loop retweeted
"certified freak?" no, i remain uncertified because the freak certification board has undergone regulatory capture and now artificially limits supply to drive up freak wages
Roland | positive loop retweeted
it makes sense to me that, if I am praying for world peace, I must train in martial arts—that if I yearn for such peace to come to pass, I must master conflict, violence, and war within myself
Roland | positive loop retweeted
I've had a week to decompress; I have it on good authority (mine) that it was a peak experience. If I wanted to host a magical forest gathering, I would borrow a lot of the ideas: robot admin, attendee volunteer system, beautiful venue, and space for self-generated interaction
Roland | positive loop retweeted
There is an old saying I love:
“Humility isn’t thinking less of yourself. It’s thinking about yourself less.”
Roland | positive loop retweeted
My bones, my will, my faith are stronger with the love that has been suffused throughout me
Roland | positive loop retweeted
I hate it when people say there’s no such thing as a bad trip but I have to admit the worst LSD trip I had was in hindsight one of the best. during my nomad years, I was invited to help run a hackathon in the forest in middle of nowhere Sweden. brilliant event, 50% nerds and 50% hot people. on the last day someone proposed we trip together to cap it off. I thought YOLO, why not. but then the next suggestion was that we go hiking off into the mountains... to a rock formation called the Troll Church... where the Vikings used to make human sacrifices... I had my misgivings but not wanting to be a spoilsport I went along with the herd. now as you can guess, the LSD was a much bigger dose than I anticipated, I was extremely super high, and finding myself in a historic location charged with weird pagan energies was rather overwhelming. I felt like that scene in Inception when the horizon suddenly lifts up overhead and I am being rolled under the bedrock like being tumbled by big surf, I am smeared out, crushed by geological time and glaciers and ice ages, pulverised until there was nothing left of me not even lichen or moss and the old trolly spirits of the mountain had their way with me. in brief: anguish and terror. now by this stage I had been on the road for a few years, travelling from place to place with my dear wife, and the old gods told me my karmic balance was waaaaaay out of whack, because everywhere I go, from a friend’s couch to a hotel or airbnb, I’m always a guest, and the ancient right of hospitality is not just a privilege it’s also a responsibility, you have to give more than you take. I felt confronted with the spiritual debt I had been racking up these past few years. anyway I admitted to my friends that I am in no shape to move, I am incapacitated, I have become a liability to the hiking party, and I will need physical assistance to make it back to the cabin. thankfully two giant Scandinavian men, one icelander and one dane, picked me up bodily, hugged the warmth back into me, and took turns to lift me like a sack of potatoes back home. over the next few hours as I sobered up I made sense of the whole distressing enterprise and concluded that starting immediately, I needed to stop being a guest and start being a host. I need to balance the ledger. from that day I decided I would only live in a house with a guest room. that was nearly a decade ago. now I live in a 6000 sqft house with 10 guest rooms and hospitality is my only spiritual practice and indeed in this house we cast magic spells of healing and protection on a regular basis. in retrospect what a surprising way to discover your mission in life. and incidentally what a lovely way to discover true intimacy with men. in conclusion, acid sucks, everyone should do it.
Roland | positive loop retweeted
There are two principles of care dual to each other. I call the first acceptance: “you are perfect and loved exactly as you are.” I call the second faith: “you are capable of growth and achieving all you need, and more beyond imagining”.
