Set the laser to pun. Comedian / Joke Writer of the one-liner variety.

The Ghetto, Oldham
Joined March 2009
"You can expect 8 inches of snow tonight" - Jon Snow's chat-up line
5
139
198
This Emmerdale synopsis reads more like what everyone shouted at me during my last game of charades #worldcup #wcs2026予選も満足しようぜ
1
117
How in the name of Prunier was that a red card and a penalty and Amad being bundled over more aggressively wasn’t?! #manutdbournemouth #manchesterunited #manutd #harrymaguire
2
234
I think Pep’s trying to spell out a new Welsh town LLLLLDLWDLL #manchesterderby #ManCity #ManUtd
1
169
We’ve got one side pulling their dead babies out of rubble after being indiscriminately bombed, and the other side taking first class boat trips to watch the said bombs being dropped. But it’s a “war”. #CeasefireNOW #GazaGenocide‌ #Lebanon #Israel #freepalestine
1
4
224
Q: Which celebrities with huge platforms are on the right side of history in the Israel-Palestine conflict? A: Well, it’s not the ones supporting Israel that are risking their livelihoods. WAKE UP! #Israel #Lebanon #GazaGenocide‌ #FreePalestine
3
248
Is anyone else sick of hearing the “human shields” justification EVERY time there’s a massacre of babies and children in Gaza? Literally everywhere has been bombed and the population is PENNED IN. What are the Palestinians expected to do? #FreePalestine
1
2
111
What mobile network was Michael Jackson on? EE
1
208
There are a lot of people that switch from being Pro-Israel to being Pro-Palestinian rights, when they learn the truth. You never hear of any going the other way. Funny that. #freepalestine #CeasefireNOW
1
127
Randomly bumped into a proper comedy hero of mine @GaryDelaney who I’d not previously met in real life, despite us following each other about 15 years ago!
3
365
Replying to @AmraWatson
With a straight face, Maureen Lipman claims, “No one in history has has had a right to return.” That’s literally the definition of Zionism! You know, Jews “right to return to their ancestral homeland”; birthright Israel; etc. What she is oblivious to is that Palestinians who were forced out during the Nakba (series of planned pograms—that is, massacres), and many of them now living in Gaza and the West Bank, not only have deeds but keys to their ancestors’ homes. Yet somehow Jewish settlers have rights to take over and build Jewish-exclusive settlements on Palestinian lands, including private Palestinian property. Jews, many of whose ancestors have not been to Palestine in a thousand years, not only enjoy a right of return— and from places like Brooklyn!—but a right to rob, steal, squat, pillage, harass, murder, and to install and implement segregation and Apartheid—and all this with a straight face! #Palestine #Israel #BDS #Gaza_Genocide #SanctionIsrael
What would Rosa Parks say? We in USA should be ashamed to see this American couple taking another’s home. This is racist. Segregation in America ended in 1960s, apartheid ended in South Africa in 1990s. Both are alive and well in Israel in Jewish privilege over Palestinians.
22
147
4
1,118
81,790
pavanwar retweeted
So many IOF soldiers brazenly flaunting pedophilia, rape fantasies, and general perversion and yet it’s Palestinians, under siege, who have been smeared with unsubstantiated assault claims and painted as savage/subhuman
An Israeli occupation soldier posted a picture of himself in Gaza holding a young girls sock on his Instagram and wrote in Hebrew which translates to: "Old hobbies: sports and writing, new hobbies: sniffing a 5-year-old girl's sock twice a day for four months."
21
11,519
33
20,882
684,341
Israel has ended its assault on the al-Shifa Hospital in Gaza, because there is nothing left to assault. The facility — the largest medical complex in Gaza where hundreds of civilians had been sheltering — is now an empty, unusable, burnt-out husk. Witnesses report hundreds of corpses in and around the complex, with video footage showing human body parts protruding from the earth and bodies with zip ties on their wrists. Israel is currently doing its usual song and dance where it claims the hospital was a Hamas headquarters and everyone it killed there was a “terrorist”, but at this point the only people buying that schtick are the ones who desperately need to. This was a massacre of profound savagery. It’s as plain as day to anyone who isn’t deeply invested in pretending otherwise. Israel, which at the beginning of the Gaza onslaught had adamantly denied that it would ever attack a hospital, has since launched hundreds of documented attacks on Gaza’s healthcare services and has destroyed most of its healthcare system. Just today the director-general of the World Health Organization announced that an Israeli airstrike on Gaza’s al-Aqsa Hospital compound killed four people and injured seventeen. Oxford University professor Nick Maynard, who spent time working at al-Aqsa Hospital earlier this year, recently accused the IDF of “systematically targeting healthcare facilities, healthcare personnel and really dismantling the whole healthcare system” in Gaza. “It’s not just about targeting the buildings, it’s about systematically destroying the infrastructure of the hospitals,” says Maynard. “Destroying the oxygen tanks at the al-Shifa hospital, deliberately destroying the CT scanners and making it much more difficult to rebuild that infrastructure. If it was just targeting Hamas militants, why are they deliberately destroying the infrastructure of these institutions?” Why indeed? If the objective is to target Hamas, why trash the hospital’s medical equipment? If the objective is to target Hamas, why destroy the whole complex and make it unusable as a healthcare facility? Logically we can only conclude that it isn’t about targeting Hamas at all. It’s about destroying Gaza’s healthcare infrastructure. Why would Israel want to destroy Gaza’s healthcare infrastructure? The answer to that question has been clear for months: to make the land uninhabitable for the Palestinians. The same reason they’re deliberately starving Gazans, destroying their homes, continually moving them from place to place and bombing every “safe zone” they create. This is naturally giving rise to a situation in which the inhabitants of Gaza will either die or flee to some other country — which just so happens to be exactly what Israel wants them to do. It’s so obvious what’s happening here. Painfully obvious. Poke-you-in-the-eyeballs obvious. But we’re still subjected to a western political-media class who keeps forcefully telling us that this blatant ethnic cleansing campaign is not what it looks like. Telling us that all this starvation and destruction and elimination of healthcare services and the way it directly places pressure on the Palestinians to leave their homeland is just a series of coincidences arising from Israel’s “war” of “defense”. That only by pure happenstance does it look exactly the same as the advancement of an agenda that Israelis have sought to advance for generations. Well I personally am through with having my intelligence insulted, and I hope you are too. The sky is blue, a spade’s a spade, the emperor has no clothes, and Israel is conducting a very obvious ethnic cleansing campaign in Gaza.
249
4,164
249
7,698
370,890
I can imagine the people that are STILL silent during the Gaza genocide watching a movie about it in 30 years’ time and going “I can’t believe the victims were showing us their dead babies and we allowed it to carry on” yes because YOU sided with the oppressor by staying silent.
1
124
When you’ve been browsing on your phone for a half hour on a squat toilet and your legs go like this
231
Don't talk to me about October 7. Don't talk to me about hostages. I don't care. I haven't cared for months. Many, many times more Gazans are dying and suffering than the number of Israelis who died and are suffering. That means the death and suffering of Palestinians is much more urgent and matters much more than the death and suffering of Israelis. The only way to disagree with this is to believe Israeli lives are worth much, much more than Palestinian lives. The longer the mass atrocity in Gaza goes on for the less tragic and worthy of sympathy October 7 becomes. It's already been diminished to a fraction of the significance it once had, and it's getting smaller and smaller as this nightmare stretches on. This is not the fault of people like me, it is the fault of the people conducting this genocide. You don't get to murder tens of thousands of people and then demand everyone weep over you losing a thousand. That's not a thing. It's SO fucking obnoxious how Israel supporters keep acting like actions a tiny fraction as impactful as what's been happening in Gaza are where all our sympathy and attention should still be going, nearly four months after the fact. Fuck all the way off with that idiotic bullshit. All of Israel's actions since October 7 have revealed why Hamas did what it did on October 7. This is the kind of murderousness and depravity Palestinians have been living under from the Nakba on. Israel is so murderous and depraved that one of the most common talking points of its apologists when responding to opposition to the atrocities in Gaza has been "Yeah, what did Hamas expect would happen? Fuck around and find out!" That's not a sane or acceptable way for human beings to talk about acts of genocide and the butchery of thousands of children, but Israel apologists think it's normal. Because that's what Israel is. In the eyes of the world, Israel has retroactively legitimized the acts of violence the Palestinian resistance has been inflicting upon it. It has legitimized those acts by showing the world its true face.
1,559
3,484
331
10,784
388,884
In the latest of a cycle of "Hamas mass rape" articles, the Guardian joins the fray. It recycles a supposed eyewitness account of a group of Hamas fighters taking turns to rape a woman at the Nova festival on October 7, then cutting off her breast to play a football-like game with it at the side of the road. We are supposed to believe this happened when we also know – from facts provided by the Israeli media – that Hamas stumbled on to the Nova festival totally unprepared and on their way to what they assumed would be a major confrontation with the Israeli military at a nearby army base; that its fighters were quickly confronted by paramilitary Israeli police who engaged them in gun battles; and that Israeli Apache helicopters, with little intelligence to work on, were firing Hellfire missiles at anything that moved, based on the “Hannibal directive” to prevent hostage-taking at all costs. Does any of that add up? Did Hamas’ most disciplined elite fighters – training for years and knowing that this might be their their only, brief moment to take on the Israeli army in a near-fair fight or drag hostages back to Gaza for a prisoner swap before the Israeli military used its air power to overwhelm them – really take time out to indulge in a sick game involving a woman’s breast? How is it that no one – the Guardian reporter, her section editors, the paper's editors – stopped for a moment and thought “Is this really plausible?” and “Am I being played to advance a nefarious agenda?” – in this case, genocide. Or did they simply recite in their minds – as Israel knew they would – “Believe women!”, especially if they are confirming a racist assumption that Arab men are blood-thirsty, sex-obsessed primitives? In fact, the Zaka volunteers who are being heavily relied on in this Guardian “report” are Jewish religious extremist men, also with a proven record of lying: they came up with the complete fabrication of “40 beheaded babies”, when no babies were beheaded. Two infants are recorded dying that day. The woman leading the “Hamas mass rape” campaign – now an academic – is a former spokesperson for the Israeli military. Their job, as any honest reporter will tell you, is to lie to journalists to excuse Israel's incessant war crimes. What we now know – from multiple credible Israeli sources – is that Israel killed lots of its own civilians on October 7. Ynet, Israel's biggest media outlet, has just published an investigation in Hebrew showing that Hamas successfully took out Israel's all-seeing drone “eyes” over Gaza that day, leaving the Israeli military blind about what was happening. Panicked, Israeli commanders invoked the Hannibal directive, allowing those in the field to order tanks and helicopters to fire at anything that moved. It was Israel that incinerated the hundreds of cars trying to flee the Nova festival, killing potentially hundreds of the 1,140 Israeli civilians that died that day, as well as Hamas fighters. It was an Israeli tank that incinerated 13 Israeli civilians, and 40 Hamas fighters, holed up in a house in Kibbutz Be'eri by blasting a shell through its front wall. More from my latest article Why the Guardian's 'Hamas mass rape' story doesn't pass the sniff test can be read here: jonathan-cook.net/blog/2024-…
1,143
4,252
626
8,781
562,224
🧠 LATEST: Lee Anderson Named "Britain's Brainiest Person." 👇🏻 Join the #BrokenNews team for the full report this #ThursdayMorning.
58
566
140
1,439
175,280
If I broke into someone’s home, beat them, pillaged everything and permanently locked them in the broom cupboard whilst I enjoyed their home - and they managed to escape and punch me back, it wouldn’t be because I’m Muslim. #FreePalestine #EndTheOccupation #GazaGenocide
1
1
110
Think of the unidentified babies in Gaza who’ve lost their parents, siblings, entire families - who will grow up being raised by strangers and never ever knowing where they came from. Not knowing their mother, father, whether they had brothers and sisters. Shameful! #FreeGaza
1
2
105