@offbeatoliv

➡️ https://xitter.cf/t.co/u2U5qekQd1

 El 🐝 👁
Joined June 2016
  • Tweets105K
  • Following2K
  • Followers9.1K
231Media
me: what’s wrong with me therapist: [looking thru notes] you’re the worst
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disgusting if literal: a stream of piss
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Sprayed my text with perfume in hopes of seducing you.
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Maybe one day, if I’m a very good girl, someone will actually be afraid of losing me for once.
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I love the New Year's Eve countdown. All the best parties end with math.
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I lost my composure in 1992. I haven't seen it since.
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How come Greg Olsen looks like Bill Hader doing a football player skit?
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The bad news: my friend’s son got busted for smoking weed in the bathroom of a Spirit Airlines airplane The good news: he’s banned from Spirit Airlines for life
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Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl - the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
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olive retweeted
ES
@ESXIII25 Nov 2023
There’s a huge difference between “I’m happy I read that book” and “I’m happy I finished that book.”
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At my age, even jumping to conclusions gives me knee pain.
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not my best year but i have learned a lot
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Things keep happening, so far, without end.
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Happy everything to those who omnibrate
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Welcome to your forties! You're gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
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If you don’t recognize me I’m the one with the sensible shoes.
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I rarely wear my wedding ring because I don't care for rings. Downside: I have nothing to hurl in anger.
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She will disappoint you like a $10 coffee
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90% of people are "undateable" without alcohol
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