Did you know: truth serum is 30% rum.

If you get an email titled "protecting your privacy is important to us," absolutely 100% chance it says they actually fucked up protecting your privacy, and now half of Moldova knows your social security number

If elected, my first act would be a quick little song and dance number

ok, fine, a little more mr. nice guy but this is the LAST time

[2 Humans who definitely aren't lizard people at Denny's] 1: I sure am glad they don't have newt brain on the menu 2: Right on, fellow human

Executioner: Do you have any last words? Me: Actually, only one word can be last. So 'last words' is nonsensical. Crowd: Flip! The! Switch!

Shoutout to the mad scientists who haven't figured out invisibility but still keep trying. I see you.

With each passing year of inflation, centipedes become more and more worthless

Fool me once, shame on me, fool me twice, uh, nature finds a way

Dolphin couple planning a vacation, sending each other waterbnb links

Do you ever have that thing where you don't feel like doing anything for several years?

Can't wait for the end of allergy season, when we finally get the allergy playoffs

Thanks to a typo at the doctor's office my son now has a walrus allergy. Food is a lot easier but he's not allowed to go to the zoo

Mister T: I pity the fool OptiMister T: I pity the half-fool PessiMister T: I pity the half-empty

Late braking news: I've just rear-ended someone.

Cole slaw became a lot more popular after they changed its name from coal slaw (and stopped making it with coal)