Amateur Comedy Writer, Amateur Comedian, Professional Amateur
Chicago, IL
Joined July 2010
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Dylan Siegfried retweeted
Report: Former Governor retains power to shut down Chicago Businesses at will
chicago.eater.com/2021/1/21/…
Dylan Siegfried retweeted
OH OH OH! It's South Pole Santa season, folks. Enjoy this animation by @OuterCityMatt of one of our favorite Teacher's Lounge bits! And if you're in the giving spirit, head over to biggrandewebsite.com, where you can GIFT our new podcasts to your friends!
I can track my dominos pizza getting to my house better than i can track my vote getting to washington. #trackmyballot #ElectionSecurity
Calling people out for virtue signaling is stupid. "Look at this guy! Being nice just to show people he's a nice person! What a jerk!"
My favorite part of baby showers is the picture where all the ladies put their hands on the pregnant lady's belly.
Fridays are the first time you get all the words to your favorite song right while singing alone in your car of the week.
Dylan Siegfried retweeted
When people tell me "Theres no such thing as luck it's all God's grace"
They might as well be saying "Theres no such thing as pancakes, they're all flapjacks"
Dylan Siegfried retweeted
Gentlemen! I've created a machine...it makes the smoothest ice, it is as big as a trailer and shaped like a brick. Everyone will be smooth and flat like the Earth!
Mr. Zamboni please return to the mental hospital
Dylan Siegfried retweeted
Friday is the extra bit of milkshake they give you on the side of your milkshake when they make too much milkshake of the week
Dylan Siegfried retweeted
Before you judge me for my cross fit... walk a mile in my toe shoes...do 30 burpees...and then jog the mile back
Dylan Siegfried retweeted
I once asked a kid to tell me something interesting about himself and he said "One time I ate a whole pizza!!"
And I realized that I haven't been proud of eating a whole pizza in almost a decade.
Dylan Siegfried retweeted
As a kid: Bunk beds are awesome
As an adult: Bunk beds are a really great way to store your children on top of each other.
I had some stellar tweets in 2018 and I'll be blessing myself by reliving that year in the archives today. Happy Friday.
Nobody ever taught me about #JUNETEENTH Elementary school, middle school, high school, college, my social justice focused university, the news, the internet. NOBODY...UNTIL NOW. I know long division but not the struggles of my fellow man? Talk about practical education.