David Henne (@davidhenne) header
David Henne (@davidhenne) profile picture

David Henne

@davidhenne

Adjunct Professor @hofstrau | Director of Content Strategy @herbertschoolhu | Contributor @mcsweeneys @SlackjawHumor @PointsInCase

 Oceanside, NY
davidhenne.com
Joined October 2011
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Photo by David Henne (@davidhenne)Photo by David Henne (@davidhenne)Photo by David Henne (@davidhenne)Photo by David Henne (@davidhenne)Photo by David Henne (@davidhenne)Photo by David Henne (@davidhenne)Photo by David Henne (@davidhenne)Photo by David Henne (@davidhenne)Photo by David Henne (@davidhenne)Photo by David Henne (@davidhenne)
David Henne retweeted
Graeme Carey (@GraCarey) profile picture
Graeme Carey@GraCarey27 Jul 2024
“Who needs friends when you have man’s best friend? Intrusive thoughts.” New piece for @PointsinCase. No, but I really do prefer being alone—unless, why, you wanna do something? pointsincase.com/articles/i-…
I Honestly Prefer Being Alone—Unless You Want to Hang Out?

I Honestly Prefer Being Alone—Unless You Want to Hang Out?

You might think it’s strange how much time I spend on my own. You might even call it “sad” or “a little concerning.”

pointsincase.com
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David Henne retweeted
Graeme Carey (@GraCarey) profile picture
Graeme Carey@GraCarey10 Jul 2024
I am so flipping excited to be back in @newyorkerhumor! Sharing my super strict, highly regimented morning routine.  newyorker.com/humor/shouts-m…
My Strict Morning Routine

My Strict Morning Routine

Before getting up, I like to lie under the covers for thirty minutes meditating, which is really just a fancy word for “falling back asleep.”

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"Of all the dine-in spectacles—it’s as though some hooligan committed to a single bite and vanished!" Essential reading for all those who have stumbled upon unclaimed sandwiches, via @PointsinCase. pointsincase.com/articles/at…
Attention, Diners! I Am Going to Eat the Rest of This Sandwich

Attention, Diners! I Am Going to Eat the Rest of This Sandwich

And whose hand is this? Do we know whose hand is attached to this abandoned sandwich?

pointsincase.com
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David Henne retweeted
McSweeney's (@mcsweeneys) profile picture
McSweeney's@mcsweeneys10 Jun 2024
"Fatherhood. One of the great joys of a man’s life, second only to secret fatherhood. Unfortunately, due to the high cost of living, I fear I may never get the chance to start a second family." mcsweeneys.net/articles/at-t…
At This Rate, I’ll Never Be Able to Start a Second Family

At This Rate, I’ll Never Be Able to Start a Second Family

“Fatherhood. One of the great joys of a man’s life, second only to secret fatherhood. Unfortunately, due to the high cost of living, I fear I may never get t...

mcsweeneys.net
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David Henne retweeted
Graeme Carey (@GraCarey) profile picture
Graeme Carey@GraCarey10 Jun 2024
Proud father of a new @mcsweeneys piece (weight: 500 words): “Frankly, it’s unconstitutional that rampant inflation is keeping me from achieving paternal inflation.” mcsweeneys.net/articles/at-t…
At This Rate, I’ll Never Be Able to Start a Second Family

At This Rate, I’ll Never Be Able to Start a Second Family

“Fatherhood. One of the great joys of a man’s life, second only to secret fatherhood. Unfortunately, due to the high cost of living, I fear I may never get t...

mcsweeneys.net
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"I have hundreds of micro-recommendations from hundreds of former employers. I’ve picked up a thousand fractions of on-the-job skills from countless Fortune 500 companies’ new employee orientations." Padding the resume with my latest for @mcsweeneys! mcsweeneys.net/articles/i-am…
I Am a Gen Z Employee Who Job Hops Every Two Hours

I Am a Gen Z Employee Who Job Hops Every Two Hours

“Yes, Mr. Douglas, I’ll have that client pitch completed by EOH. Yes, sir, at the end of the hour. Also, I quit. Thank you for all the mentorship and guidanc...

mcsweeneys.net
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David Henne retweeted
McSweeney's (@mcsweeneys) profile picture
McSweeney's@mcsweeneys15 May 2024
"Yes, Mr. Douglas, I’ll have that client pitch completed by EOH. Yes, sir, at the end of the hour. Also, I quit. Thank you for all the mentorship and guidance you’ve bestowed upon me these last 120 minutes. Goodbye." mcsweeneys.net/articles/i-am…
I Am a Gen Z Employee Who Job Hops Every Two Hours

I Am a Gen Z Employee Who Job Hops Every Two Hours

“Yes, Mr. Douglas, I’ll have that client pitch completed by EOH. Yes, sir, at the end of the hour. Also, I quit. Thank you for all the mentorship and guidanc...

mcsweeneys.net
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David Henne retweeted
Alex Baia (@al_baia) profile picture
Alex Baia@al_baia20 Mar 2024
When do you call the person you're dating "babe"? I am releasing my research today on @mcsweeneys mcsweeneys.net/articles/the-…
The “Babe” Index

The “Babe” Index

“When do you start calling the person you are dating ‘babe’? Psychologist and philosopher William James called this the single greatest question about human ...

mcsweeneys.net
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One of the coolest moments of the semester so far: hosting @FiringLineShow inside our school's Studio A to film two episodes, and getting the opportunity to assist the @PBS production alongside their amazing team & our own @HofstraU students.🤩
Firing Line with Margaret Hoover (@FiringLineShow) profile pictureFiring Line with Margaret Hoover
@FiringLineShow14 Mar 2024
"Who's going to stop him?" Conservative @amandacarpenter, co-author of @protctdemocracy's "Authoritarian Playbook," warns the guardrails that constrained #DonaldTrump in his first term would be weakened or eliminated in a second. "This is the authoritarian endgame."
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“Go on, George. Ain’t you gonna give me no more hell? On accounta microplastics in nuggies erodin’ my cognitive function?” My latest for @mcsweeneys: mcsweeneys.net/articles/of-m…

Of Microplastics and Men

George was silent. Lennie said, “George.” “Yeah?” “I ate another bad thing.” “Lemme guess, chicken nuggets.” Calendar 2027

mcsweeneys.net
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David Henne retweeted
McSweeney's (@mcsweeneys) profile picture
McSweeney's@mcsweeneys4 Mar 2024
George was silent. Lennie said, "George." "Yeah?" "I ate another bad thing." "Lemme guess, chicken nuggets." George said, and he fell silent again. mcsweeneys.net/articles/of-m…

Of Microplastics and Men

George was silent. Lennie said, “George.” “Yeah?” “I ate another bad thing.” “Lemme guess, chicken nuggets.” Calendar 2027

mcsweeneys.net
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Sneak peek of my forthcoming book (with wonderful illustrations by @lianafinck!)
Union Square & Co. (@UnionSqandCo) profile pictureUnion Square & Co.@UnionSqandCo29 Feb 2024
Are you a stickler for nuances? Casual and serious language lovers will revel in the precision within @eliburnstein’s DICTIONARY OF FINE DISTINCTIONS, on sale 4/9! ow.ly/KF7n50QFiC4
Image from Union Square & Co. (@UnionSqandCo)
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David Henne retweeted
McSweeney's (@mcsweeneys) profile picture
McSweeney's@mcsweeneys1 Feb 2024
“Mr. Holmes, I apologize for the lateness of the hour,” she said, entering the study. “But I have in my possession a deep reservoir of text messages, and I can not tell if they are intended to be of a flirtatious nature.” mcsweeneys.net/articles/sher…

Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Possibly Flirtatious Texts

“Mr. Holmes, I apologize for the lateness of the hour,” she said, entering the study. “But I have in my possession a deep reservoir of text messages, and I c...

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Yes hello lovers please enjoy my latest for @PointsinCase pointsincase.com/articles/a-…

A Customer Service Representative Goes on a Date

That’s great, Sylvia. I’ll just make a note of that for my records. Do you mind if I change the subject while we wait for our server to arrive?

pointsincase.com
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Big news for my brand c/o @PointsinCase! After four decades under tight copyright protection, I, David R. Henne, am entering the public domain. “This Year I Finally Enter The Public Domain” pointsincase.com/articles/th…

This Year I Finally Enter the Public Domain

What exciting interpretations will these visionaries have for my scoliosis, receding hairline, and fallen arches?

pointsincase.com
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This year let’s have a nice, relaxing, low-key New Year’s Eve orgy. Would it be so wrong to bring back the simple holesome group sex fun of yesteryear? pointsincase.com/articles/th… @davidhenne

This Year Let’s Have a Nice, Relaxing, Low-Key New Year’s Eve Orgy

Just you, me, a $20 bottle of pinot noir, and 5-8 professional sex associates that we host for a no-holes-barred 12-hour touchfest.

pointsincase.com
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How Every Recipe on The Great British Baking Show Sounds to Us Die-Hard American Viewers mcsweeneys.net/articles/how-…
How Every Recipe on The Great British Baking Show Sounds to Us Die-Hard American Viewers

How Every Recipe on The Great British Baking Show Sounds to Us Die-Hard American Viewers

“Blitz all ingredients until gross and slightly lumpy. Shape into a bowler hat, then steam at 160 degrees. After the initial steam, the pudding rests for at ...

mcsweeneys.net
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David Henne retweeted
Graeme Carey (@GraCarey) profile picture
Graeme Carey@GraCarey11 Dec 2023
“We’re talking 100% pure New Zealand Whey. I just snorted some off the 70-pound dumbbell I keep in my backpack for on-the-go full-body workouts. You want a pump bump?” Bit of bro humor for @PointsinCase pointsincase.com/articles/ar…
Are You Getting Enough Protein, Bro?

Are You Getting Enough Protein, Bro?

How many grams of protein do you consume each day? What do you mean you don’t know? Don’t you count your macros, bro?

pointsincase.com
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"I’m a Gourmet Pepper Mill Who Doesn’t Belong at This Thanksgiving Dinner" Essential #Thanksgiving 🦃 reading c/o @PointsinCase! pointsincase.com/articles/im…
I’m a Gourmet Pepper Mill Who Doesn’t Belong at This Thanksgiving Dinner

I’m a Gourmet Pepper Mill Who Doesn’t Belong at This Thanksgiving Dinner

What’s that they’re talking about now?

pointsincase.com
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David Henne retweeted
Alex Baia (@al_baia) profile picture
Alex Baia@al_baia6 Nov 2023
For anyone who has ever tangled with an elevator, my new one in @mcsweeneys is for you mcsweeneys.net/articles/our-…
Our Elevator Is Having Some Issues

Our Elevator Is Having Some Issues

“The emergency phone has been reconnected. However, the technician hooked the line to the wrong socket, and the phone now seems to call a different emergency...

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