Coreytcomedy

Every drug is performance enhancing if you're doing the right activity

Jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams but it does melt I-95

The forest fires put the blue light filter on NYC

There is nothing sadder than a sad man in full team face paint

The perfect relationship is one person who wears sweatshirts and one person who wears flannels

If two gay people match on Bumble, who has to chat first?

Elon Musk is gonna be hiring for the moon base like Moon Base Operator: scorching hot days, freezing cold nights, never see anyone you care about again, the moon dust literally cuts the inside of your lungs if you track it into the base. $20 per hour

The Blue Light Glasses stay ON during sex

“I normally don’t like smoking weed but I would smoke with you” is a top 5 compliment

Just realized I have the same outfit on as a gay man and I dont think I’ve ever been more proud of myself

Americans only enjoy watching soccer because they get to yell at the TV in a British accent for a couple hours

TFW you miss your train by 3 seconds and you remember the face of every slow walker you got slowed down by on your way to the station

A couple was running in the middle of an icy road and when I passed them in my car they waved at me to say thank you. To show my displeasure, I decided not to wave back which, in midwestern culture is the equivalent of spitting on them and cursing their unborn children

White people sing along to “Sweet Caroline” like it’s the only thing they have left of their culture

Quick fix for NYC No. 1: Make cars where when you honk the horn it kills the driver

Hit my weight goal so now I can put croutons back on my salads

Amy Schumer is the Nickelback of comedy. You hate her now but in 15 years you’re gonna realize her old stuff is pretty good