Bill

I watch Men’s golf, cause wow, I’d love to do that. I watch women’s golf, cause wow, I’d love to do that.

Just woke up from a nap all confused. Disappointed to realize it’s 5:30 Saturday night, not Sunday morning. 17 and a half hours till football.

The Seahawks uniforms are so ugly they hurt my feelings. #ColorRush

"You’ll find happiness at a Thai restaurant. Ask for a takeaway box" predicts @OpenTable. #Appiversary8Contest bit.ly/OTPlay

When someone post about their missing pet on Facebook, reply with a picture of random roadkill and say, "found him!"

Thanks to the NFL wearing pink during October, I am now aware of women with lumpy breasts.

You want me to do the ice bucket challenge. How about you donate the $100 bucks to ALS. Now I'm obligated to pass it on. #IceBucketChallenge

I like to break the ice when the health inspector drops in by asking if the 5 second rule is a real thing.

As close as I get to sexting is playing dirty words in Words With Friends matches against women.

Even the most annoying person has a mute button. It’s located in the middle of their face. You just have to punch it hard enough.

“What’s up? <pause> Not your eyes apparently.” - Busty woman to me, just now.

-2 temp on the field. I'm surprised these guys don't cuddle for a bit after the tackle.

If you think buying a Bugatti is a good way to piss away a million dollar, try buying a restaurant.

Thanks so much to the very funny @Carmel_Coleman for bestowing my 100th ToTD award.

I always listen to ass dialed voicemails to the end, just to see if they rip one.

“Don’t drink alcohol to excess when taking Cialis.” What a cruel joke when drinking her under the table is my only chance to get laid.

Tells you how much I am around here these days. Thank you so much @Pspenny36 for that ToTD you gave me 109 days ago.

5mg Cialis for daily use needs to come with 5 days of placebo each month like birth control pills, so you can sync up with your wife.

At some as they age, every women will consider being called a whore a compliment.