"That chair is wearing a dress." - @juddgment

Whenever I really wanna self-harm, I take a drive down Gravois. #shitsucks

Did Leonard Cohen become Tonetta? #TrueDetectiveSeason2Theme

"excuse me, do your tattoos represent teeth?" well, they're teeth. so....

new interest: going on a very long walk with some smoked jackfruit. jesus christ that shit is excellent!

in a perfect world, all poops would come before showering. #stoolschool #heavenlydumps #turdalert

"can't wait to be asleep!" - me, the past two weeks. me not me has not caught up with me real me. #gotobedidiot

Clydesdales should really be called disco horses. #bellbottoms

really need a supercut of women angrily brushing their hair while/after arguing with their husband & looking in the mirror. #whatagirlwants

i just threw my hot dog down a long hallway of toad the wet sprocket videos.

it's a real 'middle-aged women hanging on their porches' sort of day.

xarelto commercials? really, kevin nealon?!

Three trips for 2 in Australia, Cambodia, Brazil are up for grabs. Enter to win one of them. tourradar.com/wonderlands?ha… #TourRadar #wonderlands

"no, please. take my lane, also!" what this guy in the molester van beside me must have thought i said.

my nails are elegantly long/disgusting & they remind me of drop dead fred in the art gallery scene. #bestmovie

just saw a heavily bearded man on a three wheeled cycle pedaling down grand in shorts with a prosthetic leg. #YouGoSanta #MarchMadness

"why don't you dere-lick my malls." -TBS' censorship. #BitchIsOkayButBallsIsnt #CORrrrrYouGoingToTheBallLater #WhatDoesThatEvenMean

hey AAC, beating your addiction isn't acceptable. #ViolenceIsNeverTheAnswer #StopTheHate

jeezus, chicago. didn't know there was a contest, but you win weirdest dating site commercials. #babysingles #midgetlovers #animalconsenters

"yo, you ever see one of those Reese's peanut butter cups?" #OverheardAtFriendlys