When I worked at McDonald’s, they let me make my own sandwiches like a Big Mac with McChicken patties. They didn’t let me do ANYTHING like that when I worked at the pharmacy.

I used to get thrown into stacks of chairs at hardcore shows. I don’t think a guy in a banana suit is a problem.

The only AI I support is anal intercourse

If you can't handle me at my dependent clause, you don't deserve me at my independent clause.

Jimmy Carter, keeping it 💯

This was the greatest moment in sports I’ve witnessed in my life

How's my bucket list going? Pt. 1 #standupcomedy #comedy #stl #standupshots #stlouiscomedy #stlouis #stlcomedy #bucketlist

Is this thing on? I'm basically a self-improvement guru. #standupcomedy #comedy #comedian #funny #jokes #comedyclub #comedians #stlcomedy #stl #standupshots #stlouiscomedy #stlouis

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Ooooh, an adventure.

When I'm explaining why comedy shows are harder than concerts

I knew this day would come, but I’m not sure I’m taking it well. Maybe I’m in denial. Just need time to come to terms with it. Felt a little this way the last time this happened 10 years ago. Weird Al released a new Polka medley of pop songs and I don’t recognize any of them.

I'm just glad Trump only said the first name of the National Border Patrol Council President, because when he says the full name, bad stuff happens to my social media accounts.

This man has never seen a laserdisc.

I listen to fantasy metal because I can’t afford real music.

The Offspring's 'Smash' is 30 years old today. It is 6 months OLDER than the band's current drummer.

I got a new ladder and wanted to show off these shorts at the same time.