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Ask Your Mom
Joined January 2010
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“Life’s a Blank Check.” Front row, Las Vegas, two dazzling young singers trading invitations and the band swinging from the very first chord. They’re putting the moon on the Amex. The trumpet section has approved the expense.
“The Wonder of It All.” I step up to that bouncing piano and start noticing one lovely thing after another, until the whole room is singing. The moon has provided flattering lighting. I’m thanking it personally.
Photo is literally priceless. Love this mayor so much. This looks like the final scene of a ‘90s hit sitcom where everybody learned a valuable lesson about friendship.
Our $2M investment in the Sea Cliffs Exhibit Renovation Project at @nyaquarium has gotten a pretty clear seal of approval.
Thank you for having me, @kaymsanto (and Pickles!)
My stupid Bosch dishwasher needs to stop beeping and just shut the fuck up when it’s done. I know the dishes are clean, you dumb fucking appliance. What do you want from me, a parade?
Me in my workshop. Maine, 1952. My outboard motor is a piece of shit. The gentleman behind me is from the Better Business Bureau.
It’s feng shui. I’ve been doing this for years. The important thing is to establish clear boundaries with your appliances and never let a house know you’re afraid of it.
God. Damn. Priceless. I have never wanted anything more in my life than to be romantically pursued by a harbor seal.
Where do you live? I live in the opening theme song of a beloved ’90s Friday night network family sitcom. A woman with the voice of God is belting about togetherness. Groceries are everywhere. It’s soulful exuberance, warmth and welcoming energy of a classic family TV opening. 🙌
“Looking to buy 10-15 pounds of butternut or acorn squash and would love to get some locally grown if possible.”
Sorry, but who posts shit like this? Is the Mayflower leaving again?
Quarantined Anders retweeted
It's good to have an agent so they can also get no response from people.
Lowkey someone has to right the ship fr. The captain’s crashing, the crew has zero aura and everyone’s rearranging deck chairs while I’m out here fighting for my life with a bucket from Temu. Like bro, I did NOT sign up to be the emotional support Coast Guard. No cap.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Me: “Should we conclude we’re fundamentally incapable of running an airline?”
It’s 2026. How are scones still a thing? We have electricity now. We don’t have to eat like this anymore.
We need to get more creative with insults. Enough with “go fuck yourself.” Start telling people to go hug a wet vac. Go apologize to a cantaloupe. Go explain yourself to a ceiling fan. Whatever.