@_rubdirtonit
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Joined December 2011
  • Tweets98K
  • Following3.5K
  • Followers5.5K
775Media
Walks into confessional. Slides phone through slot.
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𝖓𝖆𝖟@nazzygirlxxOct 6
they stop asking for ur ID once the light in ur eyes is gone
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Marcmywords@Marcmywords2Oct 3
Good Morning Forecasters Of The Gloomy W W W
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Employee Tears
@EmployeeTearsOct 2
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn't at work anymore.
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MD
@mike_daddinoOct 1
🍆🍆 of the night goes to Willson Contreras
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🤐
@zippermouth_Sep 25
did you know friday is still considered a real work day in some cultures?
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The B.
@anerdonfire2Sep 30
I will not hesitate to walk in twirling flaming batons.
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The B.
@anerdonfire2Sep 28
Yes I was asked to leave the buffet but people were high-fiving me as I walked out.
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♏MelissaJoy♏@NoUCantBangMe13 Apr 2017
Fuck you and your safe space, pussy.
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Three Year Letterman
@3YearLettermanSep 24
FACT: Ford’s Theater is named after our greatest living president, Gerald Ford
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Marcmywords@Marcmywords2Sep 24
Just because you’re right doesn’t mean I agree with you.
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Bö Jänke: Hönkÿ
@Bob_JankeSep 24
I have now seen two different people over the last three days wearing what I can only describe as a cape. What in the world is going on
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Cabo 🍳🇺🇸@Shot_Of_CaboSep 24
The voice of reason has gone hoarse. Time for the fists of compliance.
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𝑴𝒐 𝑴𝒐𝒉𝒍𝒆𝒓
@MoMohlerSep 23
They say if you’re pure of heart you’re allowed to smoke in Dollar General while you shop.
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Jerry Lock, pallbearer for hire@jlock17Sep 23
If I caught a foul ball at a Major League Baseball game, I’d give it to the little kid closest to me so his dad could sell it online and buy beer.
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Cabo 🍳🇺🇸@Shot_Of_CaboSep 23
I like to carry a spare pitcher of ice water with me in case I have to command respect on the world stage.
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TRAUMARESPONSE 🦈
@TRAUMA_RESP0NSESep 20
Leave some funnies for the rest of us, damn.
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David 🎃@DBStonerSep 22
The only hot mess I want is lasagna.
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Functionally Feral@FeralFerrellSep 23
you can put nuts on your truck OR drive like a pussy in the fast lane — get out of my way
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Bö Jänke: Hönkÿ
@Bob_Janke4 Jan 2015
I really hope my obituary contains the phrase "hail of bullets"
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Annie Hatfield
@AnneHatfieldVO7 Dec 2015
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
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