Harbinger of Breath. Destroyer of Words. Perspiring comic book writer. Rhythm Logarithms. Synth Savant. https://xitter.cf/t.co/fdN2Qnwfbm
Washington DC
Joined October 2011
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Devil: Here's the deal. I'll sustain your success as a pop star, as long as I can keep adding tattoos to your face.
Post Malone: What's the catch?
Devil: ...I'll get to choose whatever the HELL I want. It'll look so random and goofy.
Post Malone: Deal!!
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Jeremy Wetzel retweeted
Would it be considered in poor taste if I asked MC Hammer if we can touch it now?
Frontier Airlines: Sir what are you doing?
Me: Taking a picture of this tender moment between my wife and son.
Frontier Airlines: That will be $25 dollars sir, and we only accept credit card.
Jeremy Wetzel retweeted
To gun nuts saying cars are just as dangerous, this is what registering a car looks like. There’s a class and a test, too. It sucks, but you can do it if you’re sane.
#DMVforGuns
[Heavy metal producer in a recording session]
I want to hear some really over-driven vocals. Approach the mic like a senior citizen trying to Skype.
No, closer and more frustrated, bordering on anger...
Nailed it!
I'm going to plant two shrubs really close to one another so I can watch them battle for land supremacy for the next 20 years.
Jeremy Wetzel retweeted
If someone asked us 2 years ago to guess which billionaire would be president and which one would somehow get a car stuck in space, we'd have all been wrong
Popeye loves to cook, but he gets pissed off every time he reads a recipe that uses Olive Oil. His crusade against cannibalism seems like it's never ending.
If you don't believe shrink-ray guns exist, consider the fact that string ensembles used to consist solely of cellos.
Jeremy Wetzel retweeted
I prefer women with facial hair, because they have a better chance of surviving a harsh winter.
Jeremy Wetzel retweeted
no hux
i definitely have a girlfriend
we speak with our minds
she has a magic cave where she does syncopated snapping
and she’s super good with a lightsaber and like so strong with the force
no i don’t know her last name
but she definitely isn’t made up
Dear Kim Jong Un,
Please take note that you are the more reasonable person in this rivalry.
Sincerely,
The People of the United States
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Jeremy Wetzel retweeted
McDonald’s leader Ronald just stated he has a “burger on his desk at all times”. Will someone from his big shoed, red nosed regime inform him that I too have a burger on my desk, but mine is a box meal which is bigger and more powerful than his, and mine has gravy! #nuclearbutton
