Writer. Obsessed with sharks, otters, and ferrets. Fortean Times enthusiast. Has never been able to successfully convert someone into liking Matcha.
Springfield, MO
Joined May 2009
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I just tried to sanitize my hands with leave-in spray conditioner, so clearly I am at the top of my game today. #winner
I tried @buzzfeed ‘s Infinity Quiz, and in it my date gave me “a small bag of teeth”, whispering it was for his true love. I don’t think this what pretend me signed up for when I picked ‘quirky’ to describe myself, but it definitely would have been memorable.
Paula Witte retweeted
the human is upset. that a piece of my hair. was in their food. that is called a garnish. there is no need to make a scene
I had a dream that a caller complained because someone called them “extra” and I was certain it wasn’t me, but it does sound like something I would do.
Paula Witte retweeted
as u start 2 undo my buttons u realize where you know my face from. the book in the attic. oh no
iPad: what’s your password?
Me: *uses fingerprint password technology like they recommend *
IPad: no
Me: *does exact same thing perfectly multiple times*
iPad: are you even listening?? I need YOUR fingerprint.
Me: *does exact same thing again*
iPad: Yes, that’s right. Welcome.
I can’t believe the Farm Report guy just did a tight 5 standup bit on how soybeans lie to you. I also can’t believe I laughed. #MidwestComedy #INeedMoreSleep
Paula Witte retweeted
Remember to keep all texts emotionally woke. If you have to cancel a play date due to safer at home, text something like, “are you in a safe headspace to accept disappointing information?” If you’re encouraging a neighbor to accept science and mask up, text, “fuck your feelings.”
Watching #Olympics with my mom. She’s annoyed that the canoe athletes don’t have to use the giant metal boats she used in camp. But she thinks the man-made rapids look “fun”.
Big thanks to @FedEx and @FedExHelp for helping me resolve my issue. 5/5 would recommend! #waycoolfedex
So @FedEx says a package was delivered but it hasn’t, and I’m just supposed to twist in the wind? Call the shipper? THEY did their part, you guys are the one that dropped the ball. #notcoolfedex
Paula Witte retweeted
32% symptomatic pos. rate, very concerning! (From 4%) 4 pediatric Covid inpatients yesterday. Age…a few weeks old to 18 y/o
If you are making wildly disparaging comments about the vaccine, and have no public health expertise, you may be responsible for someone’s death. Shut up.
